Death

Death.

.

I learn about life from losing a loved one. Mom's death taught me a lot (might write it one by one someday). But my grandma's death taught me one thing (only) but loud and clear: TO ALWAYS BE KIND. no matter what. We can only control what we can (being kind) what others do is not in our power. (55:60) "Is there any reward for good other than good?"

.

I should've been more kind to her.  Should've been more understanding of her. Were thing that I regretted. She raised me after all. She taught me a lot of stuff. She engrained cooking in me. She filled my childhood with togetherness (something I longed nowadays). .

Forgiving myself was hard as I was young and foolish. Life is short. Life is not worth beating myself up. Life is not worth fighting with other. So I move on. .

I am sorry Ibu, I should have treat you better. Miss you. You are forever in my prayer. Al fatihah.

Teman Tapi...

Di Instagram ada salah satu sosok yang saya follow karena seringkali tulisan-tulisan sederhananya menohok dan bikin saya banyak refleksi. Tulisan-tulisannya beragam tapi belakangan lagi sering menggaris bawahi tentang hubungan laki-laki dan perempuan yang sudah memiliki pasangan (menikah ya bukan pacaran) 

Kali ini saya mau nulis tentang ini dulu ya. Betapa ternyata tulisan-tulisan yang bersinggungan dengan 'selingkuh' jadi suara bagi sebagian banyak perempuan. Perempuan-perempuan yang di hidupnya tidak berani bersuara atau yang suaranya tidak didengar. Cukup screenshot dan kirim ke pasangan supaya jadi bahan renungan baginya. Syukur-syukur sadar dan taubat tapi ya ada juga yang tancap gas saja tidak peduli. 

Jaman sekarang mungkin sudah beda ya. Dulu selingkuh itu harus bertemu fisik dulu baru bisa dikatakan selingkuh tapi jaman sekarang dengan kemajuan teknologi selingkuh ga melulu harus berupa fisik. Tapi justru yang lebih berbahaya lagi selingkuh hati. Dari awal chat/sms/wa membicarakan hal-hal ringan seringnya bagi yang bekerja satu kantor beralasan ngobrolin kerjaan lalu lama kelamaan mulai membicarakan rumah tangga masing2. Mulai dari "gimana anak" sampai keluhan "suami/istri pulangnya malem". Rongga-rongga kesepian di rumah tangga yang satu diceritakan ke yang lain berharap yang lain ini bisa mengisi kesepian yang harusnya jadi tanggung jawab pasangannya sendiri untuk isi tapi karena malaas mungkin ya jd lebih mudah ke orang lain. Lalu mulai telp/sms/wa yang bernafas perhatian "lagi dimana?" "Sudah pulang?" "Pulang jam berapa tadi?" "Sukses ya kerjanya" lalu seperti ada yang kurang klo ga dapet kabarnya. Lalu mulai "pulang bareng yuk" "makan malem yuk" dan seterusnya sampai mana? Ga tau lah tergantung keimanan masing-masing aja. 

Kalau sudah gitu yang salah siapa? Ya dua-duanya kan ya. Walau dengan dalih "ga ada apa2 koq" tapi jauh di lubuk hati pasti tau kan klo yang udah dilakuin itu salah kalo ga kan ya ga mungkin umpet2an ya 😁. Atau dengan dalih "kan dia yang buka kesempatan duluan" ya ada kesempatan atau ga ada kesempatan yang waras dan menghargai pernikahan dan pasangannya mau ditaruh didepan mata juga tidak akan tergoda. Cobalah inget pasangan yang menemani dari awal dan anak yang menunggu dirumah. Tapi mungkin kalau temenan sama setan berbuat salah ya asik-asik aja. Justru selingkuh karena haram jadi enak ya. 

Saya doakan yang suka hai sana sini sama pasangan orang supaya inget pasangannya sendiri. Kalau pernikahannya gersang yang disiram ya pasangannya sendiri jangan pasangan orang. 

Nulis ini berangkat dari makin merajalelanya valakor valakor ga tau diri 😂 dan mendengar cerita embak-embak yang ngajakin pulang malem suami orang, terus dinner ke Cibubur Kunction ampe jalan-jalan ke mall sampe mallnya tutup padahal istri suaminya lagi nunggu dirumah padahal suaminya sendiri lagi kerja banting tulang. Mudah2an dapet hidayah ya sesembak. 

Me In Hijab

picture from here

After all the ups and downs. After all the silly questions to help me brace the decision. After a 3-long years I finally decided myself to wear a hijab. 

It's been years full of sign and my anxiousness of all the ridiculous fear but I am glad I was there in the end. If anything I would make a habit to wear a hijab as early as possible if I have a daughter. If anything I was mad to my parents that they did not teach me to wear one from the beginning. So that I have to have this struggle. So that I have to re-boot my mind of how I see beauty. Islam is a beauty and all the clause in it is beauty. So wear a hijab is a beauty.

"O you Children of Adam! We have bestowed on you raiment to cover your shame as well as to be an adornment to you. But the raiment of righteousness, that is the best. Such are among the Signs of Allah, that they may receive admonition.” (Quran 7:26)“

And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what must ordinarily appear therof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands, their fathers, their husbands' fathers, their sons, their husbands' sons, their brothers, or their brothers' sons or their sisters' sons, or their women or the servants whom their right hands possess, or male servants free of physical needs, or small children who have no sense of the shame of sex, and that they should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments. And O you Believers, turn you all together towards Allah, that you may attain Bliss.” (Quran 24:31).

“O Prophet, tell your wives and your daughters and the women of the believers to draw their cloaks close round them (when they go abroad). That will be better, so that they may be recognised and not annoyed. Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.” (Quran 33:59). (from here)

I am in no place to judge others so you don't have to make excuses in your heart to make what you did is okay (If you are not wearing a hijab). But I remember once I was ashamed and cried because I am Islam and still not wearing a hijab. Today I may not in a phase where I start wearing a long abaya but I start with lose clothes and I hope someday I will be there. I realized that still learning a lot of thing and I hope someday I will be a Muslim as a whole and die in Islam as a whole.

Me Vs Cooking

Tergelitik sama pertanyaan salah seorang sahabat waktu buka puasa kemarin: koq lo sering masak sih? Jawaban yang terlintas di kepala cuma: ga ada kerjaan lagi (secara saya stay-at-home mom) *ga bermaksud mendeskritkan sahm dengan ga ada kerjaan ya kerjaan rumah mah selalu ada. Dan sahabat saya bukan satu2nya orang yang terheran-heran dengan kesenangan saya memasak atau kebisaan saya memasak.

To be honest ga banyak yang tau kehidupan saya termasuk kecintaan saya terhadap masak (makanan dan kue). Mungkin banyak yang ga bakal percaya tapi this is the truth. Awalnya karena nenek saya berkecimpung di dunia perkateringan dan seluruh anak perempuannya termasuk mama saya mau ga mau suka ga suka jadi ikutan. Karena saya termasuk anak nene (anak yang dibesarkan oleh nene) saya banyak menghabiskan waktu dengan nene saya. Saya lupa tepatnya tapi semenjak SD kelas 5/6 saya sudah fasih memegang pisau dapur yang tajam dan fasih mengupas dan memotong wortel. Sejak SD itu pula saya sering keluar masuk pasar tradisional di pagi-pagi buta bersama nene saya atau bersama mama saya. Sahabat saya dulu adalah tukang ayam langganan mama di pasar yang setiap saya datang beliau selalu kasih saya uang Rp. 20.000,-  (20 tahun yang lalu uang segitu itu besaar). Di usia 10/11 tahun tu mama saya sudah mempercayakan saya ke pasar sendiri untuk memesan kebutuhan katering nene saya atau keperluan mama saya yang lain. Kebiasaan saya membantu nene atau mama saya berlangsung sampai saya sma jadi bisa dibayangkan 8 tahun ikut berjibaku di dapur. Jadi saya terbiasa bangun dari jam 3 pagi untuk ikut membantu lalu berangkat jam 5 pagi ke tempat nene saya berjualan dan berjualan sampai jam 12 lalu pulang dan membantu mama saya mencuci dan membersihkan peralatan memasak.

Saya sendiri kalau ditanya lebih fasih bikin kue daripada memasak makanan. Karena saya tumbuh melihat mama saya memasak kue dan nene saya memasak makanan. Tapi tugas saya banyak di kue daripada makanan. Sejak SD mencetak kue ketan dan kue lupis adalah tugas saya. Di SMP dan SMA saya sudah membuat klepon dan kue lapis pepe sendiri walau semua bahan sudah disediakan mama saya. Di kuliah saya jenuh dan hanya membantu jualan tante saya. Saya sendiri belum pernah belajar dari nol sama nene dan mama saya karena saat saya sudah cukup besar untuk memasak sendiri mama saya meninggal. Tapi memori karena sering melihat nene dan mama saya memasak makanan dan kue jadi memori yang seringkali saya ingat pada saya masak. Ga bisa dipungkiri bakat memasak mengalir deras di keluarga mama saya. Semua perempuan di keluarga mama saya bisa masak dan itu menurun ke cucu cucu perempuannya. Ya, saya dan sepupu saya suka memasak. Bahkan sepupu saya lebih berani dari saya karena sepupu saya berani menjual hasil masakannya. Sesuatu yang saya takuti sebenernya. Jadi ga ada cerita orang lain mencoba masakan saya kecuali suami, bapak dan adik2 saya.

Suatu waktu saya pernah berujar kepada om saya "om mau berkebun nih" lalu om saya menjawab "ga ada itu sejarahnya dikeluarga kita berkebun kalau masak iya". Tapi itu lah adanya darah memasak begitu kental di saya. Saya suka memasak saya menikmati bikin kue. Tapi jangan berharap saya jualan ya atau kasih tester. Saya pribadi meragukan kemampuan diri saya karena saya bukan orang yang bisa memasak pakai resep saya cenderung pakai feeling. Karena setiap kali saya memasak pakai resep hasilnya akan aneh sekali makanya saya ga pernah berani orang lain makan makanan saya karena takut beda selera. Saya sendiri penyuka clean taste yang artinya ga terlalu suka banyak bumbu. Saya suka rasa alami sayuran. Itu kenapa dalam hal bikin kue saya sering gagal. Bikin kue itu harup pakai resep dan precise sekali tapi yang terjadi saya sering pakai feeling jadi yang bisa merasakan eksperimen saya hanya orang2 terdekat saya saja. Saya sendiri baru rajin memasak ketika tinggal di rumah sendiri karena lebih bebas ya. Bisa kreasi apa aja yang di mau.

Karena dari kecil saya sudah berkecimpung di dunia permasakan katering dan jualan hal itu memberikan momok tersendiri buat saya sekarang. Karena saya tahu betul betapa lelahnya berjualan dibidang makanan, uangnya ok karena profitnya bisa 2x lipat tapi usaha yang dikeluarkan juga luar biasa. Makanya saya ga pernah mau diminta berjualan atau menjual makanan yang saya buat. Itu dan karena lahir dan besar dari keluarga yang sangaaat menyukai makanan saya punya standar tersendiri soal makan yang dijual.

Adanya kecintaan saya memasak makanan dan kue menular ke anak laki-laki saya. Dia begitu amat antusias setiap kali saya mencuci beras atau membuat kue seringkali saya justru dilarang untuk ikutan. Mungkin buat sebagian besar orang memasak itu masih tugasnya perempuan tapi bagi saya memasak itu universal. Saya teringat kata-kata Gordon Ramsay disalah satu acara dia berkata "saya tidak mengharuskan anak-anak saya untuk mengikuti jejak saya tapi anak-anak saya tetap harus bisa masak untuk dirinya sendiri" (kurang lebih seperti itu artinya). Makanya saya tidak pernah melarang anak saya untuk memasak bahkan dia punya mainan masak-masakan sendiri karena buat saya memasak itu sebuah proses bahwa apa yang kita makan itu adalah hasil dari proses yang panjang. Dari mulai proses menanam oleh petani kemudian dijual oleh pedagang sampai kita beli lalu diolah agar bisa kita makan. Proses yang harus dihargai jadi kita selalu bersyukur atas apa yang kita makan.

Ini bolu kukus hasil cetakan sang anak.

.Cheers.

Why I Stop Shopping

I never really know if I like shopping or not. But I did know that once I had more than 20 pairs of shoes (high-heels/flats/wedges/sneakers) and countless bags and infinite amount of clothes (some are still have price tag hanging). And quite amount of money on my saving account because I like saving from when I was a elementary schooler. I had all of those when I was in high school and I have pocket money more than my average friends had. But then I went broke. That was when I was in college.

I struggle with money when I was in college. Did a lot of part time to have some spare money because money is tight and I no longer a trust fund kid (there's no such thing in my country but yes I spend my early year from my grandparents money but u know what I mean). So there's no longer activity that involves money in my part. I do still shop for necessity only and it's cheap clothes cheap bags cheap shoes something I can throw away easily if it's rotten. But sometimes I get a hand down branded clothes or bags or wallet from my other family which is great! I love expensive things... I mean who doesn't.

I didn't know when I found shopping is actually a wasting activity that leave me with nothing but exhausting feeling but I no longer enjoy shopping more over window shopping. But don't get me wrong I still go to a mall (even it's not too often) or sometimes a window shopping (more like a scanning shopping from outside the store to look something that might catch my eyes but mostly nothing attract me). And please separate shopping with groceries shopping, that one I love doing it.

At first I began feeling such a waste of money that I have clothes that was new (even still with the price tag) or clothes that only been wear one time or bags that some I rarely use it. That's when I started giving away clothes and bags and shoes. I no longer seeing the things that had brand in it or how beautiful it is, nope, I saw comfy only. So I went trough my closet and give away a lot of clothes that I don't feel 100% want to wear and leave clothes that I 100% will wear and that goes the same way to the bags and shoes. Untill today I've been doing a lot of sorting and able to reduce to 1/4 of what I used to have and still I feel my clothes and bags are still to much. And I am going to do another sorting out in this short haul. At first it wasn't easy to throw things out some are belong to my mom and some are things that I love but I keep telling myself that there's people out there that didn't even have decent clothes or bags or shoes and that it will be more usefull if it was wear by someone in need. And close my eyes.

Today I do shop but not for fashion but for necesity but not much and everytime I bought one or two clothes I made sure I give away one or two (the same amount) clothes/shoes/bags that I rarely wear. I once went with no shopping for more than 6 months. I sometimes envy with people that wear beautiful or up-to-date clothes/bags/shoes but that's only that because once I hit a store for shopping usually I leave with a headache. Something I am working on.

It's less than 2 weeks that ramadhan coming and I am going to do sorting out again! I saw on TV about "Outle Dhuafa" that sells clothes for free for people in need and they open for donations and that's are my clothes heading to. Just clothes. Because as per today my husband has more shoes than I am and my kid has more clothes than I am but I still have more bags (my mom bags mostly). So If you want to donate some please look on their instagram.

.cheers.

Crazy, Tired and Bored Stay-at-home Mom

I've been wanting to write for so long but the writer block and the kid yes were a major excuse for me for not being able to write. It's been 26 months being a stay-at-home mom plus 7 months a stay-at-home wife. That's A LOT. And this is just the time I have no idea what I have to do. I've been suffering from major boredom like literally I hate my life. It's nice to have a husband and a kiddo but sometimes I just wanna say "enuff is a enuff". The responsibility the never ending chores the demand the constant things just left me there in a corner of a dark room and cry.

I looooove my kiddo but being a parent is damn hard. I don't always get a me time which I should've known there's no such thing as me time when u have a kid. If you argue taking a shit uninterupted is a me time well there's your me time but to me NO that's not a me time that's me doing my humanly business. I tried so haard to be excited of the day but the truth I dread it. I don't know if you can but I can't spend my time from 7 am to 7 pm playing kiddie toy and talking baby words, it's boring. So sometimes I let the kid watch TV or DVD or play with my phone then you got to read on Facebook from parenting experts the negative effects of children that got to spend time watching tv and gadget. I mean wth! It makes me questioning myself, my ability as a parent.
Some of you probably have sitter or grandparents to play or care with your kid but me, I did it all. An adult once said to me to not let my kid watch tv but I know for sure that person never have a taste of being a stay-at-home mom and have to deal with kid all day. Ooo please never talk if u never in my shoes or offer any help.

Being a tired stay-at-home mom affects your interaction with your spouse. Well, in my case it is. My husband always away for works and everytime he went home he just want to relax and have couple quality time. Little did he know that kind of quality time is a rare thing. He, too was faced with kiddo demand of attention and it took a lot of his time and energy so by the end of the day we were both tired and the first thing in my was bed and sleep. We talked about this how we unconsciously missing our younger age where less responsibilities less chores and more less and less. But then we got to remind each other that this is the new us. The new me. The new you. As a parents. A mother. A father.

When crazy, tired and bored stay-at-home mom phase hit me I will likely remembering my young wild and free me (though the wild me only a couple of people I allowed them to see 😄).  With less responsibilities less chores less cooking less crying more money more fun more free life. Till today I am still juggling how to balance of me as a mother a wife a partner and as myself which never easy but I hope someday I found the right formula that work for everybody but most of all work for me.

.cheers.

P.s. Don't get me wrong I love you both hubs and kiddo to the moon.. I won't trade you for anything well maybe for ice cream. 😛

Disconnect to Reconnect

picture from here

 Coming from a big family that loooove to have gathering so much make me feel so much enjoyment, comfort and at ease even for someone introvert like me. I used to sulk if my dad decided to spend time at home only on Eid day instead of going house by house of my relatives. Growing up lacking of love always made me try to find love by having connection with people either family or friends. And I'll always be that kind of person that will make more effort to connect with someone till this day. But since 5 years ago, the moment where I actually accept myself and able to love myself, I become more selective on having a relationship with both family or friends.

For me, a relationship is a TWO WAY process. For both relationship with family or friends. A relationship require efforts from both sides. And I learned the hard way about one way relationship. So It's been years that I finally able to have a TWO WAY relationship and I intended to savor that relationship. I never cut-off a relationship but it just vanished the moment I no longer put effort to it. Does it hurt? Like hell. At first, I was appalled that the reason I lost a relationship are because of money, because of marriage, because of a man, because of a woman. But then I realized their worth of my time and no they are not worth it. So I just didn't have to put so much effort anymore. I no longer need pile of relationship just so that I am loved. And I am happy with that because I love myself more.

But this year I have a lot of talks with my husband and how his circle of relationship are much worse than me so we decided to RECONNECT with people. Both family and friends. To me, some are an unsolved case but most of all I want to reconnect because Allah SWT. Because what we called hablumminannas (human relationships with other humans). Through this reconnecting I hope to make more  A NEW BEGINNING and find a lot of closure that I might need and RE-START again.

  

.Cheers.

Being Strong is The Only Way

Being strong is the only way for me TO SURVIVE.

Ditinggal mama diumur 14 tahun.
Ga punya figur perempuan dan laki-laki yang dekat di hati.
Bikin keputusan sendiri soal tinggal dimana masuk universitas apa masuk jurusan apa.
Hidup pas-pasan waktu kuliah demi bisa bebas merdeka.
Ketergantungan sama pacar.
Bikin banyak kesalahan karena semua keputusan atas dasar diri sendiri.
Ga bisa tanya ini itu soal pasangan hidup, jadi istri, membangun keluarga, punya anak.
Ga bisa mengeluh cape ngurus anak sama mama sendiri.
Ga bisa nitipin anak ke mama sendiri terus tetep kerja seperti yang lainnya.
Jadi stay-at-home mom yang kalo lagi jenuh rasanya luar biasa.
Terlalu super nge-handle semua pekerjaan rumah sampe angkat galon, maku dinding, ngurus ini itu yang harusnya yah jadi kerjaan laki-laki.
Harus mau ditinggal suami yang lebih seringnya di luar kota daripada di rumah.

Terus lagi harus denger ini itu dari orang yang ga pernah tau kehidupan lo itu rasanya pengen gw jitak.

Sometimes I hate my husband job that require him travelling more than at home.

Sometimes I hate the way my dad raised me to be able to do man's stuff. Even till this day. Beliau suka bilang "harus bisa. Ga boleh takut. Ga usah takut" wth!

Kadang mereka lupa saya perempuan yang pengen bisa manja-manja ke lelaki gitu loh. Makanya sueebelnya minta ampun liat perempuan yang dikit-dikit ngeluh muanja cantik. Kan ya masa setiap pekerjaan rumah yang harusnya dikerjain laki-laki baru bisa dikerjain kalo merekanya available. Bisa jamuran kalo gw.

Tapi gw sudah melewati masa-masa menyesal klo gw bikin banyak salah. Am only human afterall.

Tapi gw ga pernah menyesal atas pilihan2 hidup saat gw udah 'sadar'. Sedih kadang but am only human.

Be strong is the only way buat gw hidup dan bertahan hidup. Kalo ga gw udah dadah babay kali ya.

Tapi gw percaya being strong to survive with all the sacrifice that I've made in life cuma bisa dibayar sama Allah SWT.

Dan itu yang bikin gw tambah kuat.

.Cheers.

I Suffer Asthma

So I decide to share something about asthma. 

It's been my third severe asthma attack that I have... in between them was a smaller attack. This third time I'd like to share what I know about asthma. You can correct me if I am wrong. 

What is asthma?

According to Medical News Today Asthma is a disease affecting the airways that carry air to and from your lungs. People who suffer from this chronic condition (long-lasting or recurrent) are said to be asthmatic.

The inside walls of an asthmatic's airways are swollen or inflamed. This swelling or inflammation makes the airways extremely sensitive to irritations and increases your susceptibility to an allergic reaction.

As inflammation causes the airways to become narrower, less air can pass through them, both to and from the lungs. That basically cover it all. And oh it's incurable (!@#$^*)

How I can suffer asthma?

I dunno. Really I have no idea because I wasn't having asthma in my teenage years except when I accidentally drink artificial sweeteners but that wasn't severe. But I guess it was coming from either my mom side or my dad. I'll stick to my mom side because some of my family suffer from allergic. I am allergic to a lot of things. Nowadays it was cold, hot weather, dust, seafood, artificial sweeteners and, off course, bloody hell chocolate.

What makes you having asthma attack?

The mild one was random. The severe one was artificial sweeteners, chocolate and sickness like flu and cough with too much mucus.
According to my doctor this 5 could activate my asthma :
1. Skip meals. Honestly I rarely skip meals.. So teng!
2. Not enough sleep. Red alert!!! I do sometimes have sleep deprivation because I like to read at night for me time. This is probably the major reason I have my second and third asthma attack.
3. Low body immune. When you feel weak you just have to adjust your workload so that it won overburden your body. Hands up! I can never just chill when I feel unwell and there's tons of chores to do.
4. Stressed. Some people stressed out over big thing but some people stressed out over small thing. I didn't know which one is me. But you can improve this spiritually, share your problems, do your hobby or you name it. Mens sana in corpore sano end it all.

5. Rarely exercise. Ooooh this is so me. But this year resolutions is for me to exercise more, I tried to work out 3-4 times a week for 20 minutes just to maintain my health. I have no goals of making six pack. 

My doctor said allergen was no longer become the main factor as we never can avoid it. I mean who can avoid dust? However I'll write about allergic in another post.

How does it feel to have asthma attack?
Hell. Dyin for sure. Because you won't able to breath normally. Mine to the point that doing simple task as breathing, walking, standing, talking were a plain torture. Don't ask me how I carried my kid, it was a zone between conscious and passed out. 

Medication for asthma
Great body immune. Probably I have a weak a body immune. Dunno. 
And healthy lifestyle in which include what you eat and exercise. I have no problem with food because I didn't really like to eat greasy food. It was exercise which I loathe until a month ago when I start doing exercise. My doctor said to exercise only when you feel fit and have no symptoms of troubled breathing (like what I did yesterday in result doctor visit again). Breathing exercise routine is good to increase your health and lessen your asthma attack.

If you love medication as much as I do you probably need to ask your doctor but I get what you can see below. Also for this time I need to do nebulizer to lighten the mucus inside me as it was so thick.

I hope this help you aware of asthma. I went to Dr. Iwan Guntoro in BMC and I feel very satisfy with his explanation about asthma and he always encourage me to improve my body immune.

.Cheers.

A Life You (Might) Never Know

I wasn't someone coming from money although some of my family did have money more than I can produce. Today was another day that remind me to always be grateful. So we, my husband-me-and-my kid, are on our way to the Mckids so that our kid can have sometime to play with people his age. Halfway through the destination rain came down pouring with no inclination to stop. We decided to stop and wait for the rain to stop. Because no way we went through the rain as my kid recently having HFMD and I was just visit the doctor. We didn't want to take a risk of soaking in a cold heavy rain.

We took a shade in front of one of the shop and being hungry that we are. We decided to eat right there in the cold hard floor of a closed shop while ordering meatball soup. Some people that we know might take pity on us but to me this kind of hardship remind me to always grateful and humble. Never once in my life that I feel ashamed of what we've been through as a family. Problem is we never let people even our own family knows our hardship.

We as a human really want to give their best to our loved ones. Hence, me being a parents make me want to give my best to the kiddo. We able to provide a decent shelter that in the process put me in a lot of stress, you are lucky if your parents could provide you some financial assistance, but not me and my husband. We need to work our ass of and drain our entire saving to be able to buy our family a decent home. With me quit the job right at the moment I knew I was pregnant it brought us a new problem: how are we gonna survive with single income? We're hanging by a thin thread the moment we live by ourself but in return having a house giving you more freedom. Freedom to shape your own kid and your own family. And it didn't just stop there.

We have no car. If it's just me and my husband I really don't give a fuck to go to one destination to other by using my husband motorcycle. The 14-years-old motorcycle. That if you speed up through a bump one or another part of the motorcycle tore apart (you won't believe it but it's true). But that's the only transport we have. At first I'd had unshed tears everytime my kid was riding with us and there's just too much heat or (mostly) rain. And at night I'll cry myself while watching my kid for having to go through that condition but we as a parents have no choice. People could pity us or questioning us on why we couldn't afford a car. And that's the only thing they could do and sometimes I just wish they just shut up. You probably never know what it feel to not have an option. Truthfully we couldn't afford a car. And I didn't want we didn't have a car lead us to just stay at home. We've been through up and down in that motorcycle. We've had scattered our monthly groceries on the road because we didn't take into account how many groceries we're able to bring if we went on groceries. We've been through many cold heavy rain. We've been through the hottest weather. We've been through the happiest and saddest moment in that motorcycle with our kid sandwich between us. And in every trip we had I always pray that this struggle and sacrifice will make my kid grow in grateful and humble.

It has name. Thank you F  for accompanying us this whole time.

This might a little piece of struggle and sacrifice I want to share. Don't want your pity. Don't want anything in return because through this process I learn one thing: to never expect people acknowledgement just expect Allah SWT acknowledgement. But If you want to share yours maybe we can be a good friends. I love talking about what life give us.

picture from here

.Cheers.

Dirty Thirties

As today I turn 30... Big THREE-FREAKIN-O

Fortunately I only have two people that remember my birthday: one of my brother (the other two will have a kick in their ass for not remembering mine) and one of my very best friend.

Today, I thought a lot of things. My hedonis kind of time... hahaha... I have that but not that hedonis. I miss that time... and that many many time that I spent in rooftop. I thought about a lot of things that I am not able to do or I choose not to do exactly. There's regret. But there's also realization because twas merely a dream and I live in real.

I've been dealing with the consequences of being a married woman, a wife and a mother. To the point that gave me headache. Meaning it's going to explode in my face soon. I give up a lot in this life in my life for people that mostly didn't appreciate me so it is my resolution to not give a damn fuck about other peoplw anymore. I want more me. The me that love me. I haven't been able to feel that for long.

So, me happy birthday mo chroi.

.Cheers.

When Life Hits You Hard

Kapan ya terakhir kali life hits me hard? Dulu mungkin sewaktu ibu saya pergi. Setelah itu memori yang saya punya hanya bertahan hidup, ga gila dan ga gantung diri sambil berusaha nemuin jati diri sendiri tanpa bantuan orang lain. Seringkali saya bersyukur bahwa saya ga gila, ga mati, ga nge-drugs dan ga rusak padahal saya punya hak buat jadi rusak. Bikin kesalahan? Buanyaaaak banget. Dari yang kecil sampe yang gede yang mayoritas orang lain ga tau how broken I am. Tapi semua itu ga bikin saya jadi lupa akar hidup saya. Agama. Walaupun banyak orang ga akan percaya tapi agama yang menyelamatkan saya dan ketakutan saya akan murka ayah saya.

Jadi jangan heran saya itu pemikir paraaaaah. Dari a sampe z dipikirin sampe keujung detil-detil kehidupan. Kehidupan orang lain buat saya ada lah pelajaran. Ambil yang baik dan ingat baik baik yang buruk supaya dikedepan hari saya ga gitu. Orang suka bilang saya stress tapi saya ga pernah ngerasa stress karena buat saya, berfikir adalah saya. Justru yang bikin stress saya bukan masalah saya sendiri atau orang lain justru karena orang. Interaksi sama orang yang sering bikin saya stress.

Karena manusia adalah makhluk paling sempurna oleh Sang Pencipta karena diberikan akal fikiran. Membuat saya seringkali berfikir sebelum melakukan sesuatu atau berbicara sesuatu. Termasuk memikirkan tentang apa yang telah terjadi di masa lalu, apa yang sedang dijalankan sekarang dan apa yang akan dilakukan nanti di masa depan.

.Cheers.

NOPE! Food Did Not Make Me Orgasm

A #foodgasm hashtag is a little bit out of my realm in which I find it ridiculous at that time.

Here I want to share some of the food I made or my husband made. They delicious but if you for once hoping to taste it then NO! I didn't confidence enough to let you taste it. I havea  particular taste that might different from yours. Enjoy.....

Pie Susu... me and me brudder fave :)

Tahu selawi... me mo chroi fave :*

me gettin' healthy life. beetroots and tomato and lime juice :)

me husband cooking. spaghetti with mushroom sauce and sautee bok choy and mushroom

klepon... for the kids snack

They did not make me orgasm. They either make me hungry or feel full.

.Cheers.

A Little Escape

Freedom. Twas what I crave right now. 

A free time to do what ever I want before I was a mother. A 'me time' they called. Twas hardly available for me. Don't get me wrong I have a lot of free time at day and night but I can't use it as free as I want. As a nerd as I am I crave writing and reading so bad. So bad that right now I leave my kid alone just to write. SO bad that my mind could explode and I went cray cray because I keep talking to myself instead of writing to clear my mind off. 

At day my kid won't allow me to touch my laptop or my phone. And I prefer to write with my laptop rather than my phone. So I spend a lot of my time entertaining an almost-two-years-old kid. And at night I manage to read couples of page of book on my kindle. But wait A COUPLE OF PAGES?? When am I gonna finish the book. Fortunately reading was the only thing that I still constantly able to do without so much distraction but sometimes it wasn't enough because reading was like stuffing my head with a lot of thing and writing was like stuffing out what inside my head. So now maybe I have to insist a little bit so that I can have time to write what my mind wants to.

I've just finished book called The Premonitions Series by Amy A. Bartol that consist five books.

I managed to finished it in one week. Yeah when I read book in series that might consist more than 2 or 3 books it took all my sleeping time so yes I am suffered with sleep deprivation as now I am writing. Not many knows or do I share what kind of books I like. Here, I like supernatural stuff but particularly angels and demons and beings with wings ha.ha.ha. I am an adult but prefer to read a YA books, yeah, because it's easy not requiring me to think. Come on I am a stay-at-home mom I need something light after the day I had. I,too, like romance and erotica genre to switch over if I was stuff with angel stuff. It's good you know to let my brain to let the steam off lol. Do you have books to recommend for me? I'd love to know and perhaps put it in my to-read list.

I missed the hard stuff you know, the classic, the poetry, the grown-up one but maybe I'll never finished reading it if I were to start it. Dunno, maybe someday. And I hope someday I could write such a book. In English off course because my bahasa is disaster. :)

.Cheers.

Lose Yourself

Ini bukan lagunya Justin Bieber yeessss... Itu mah love yourself ya walaupun isi liriknya ga ada hubungannya dengan gimana cara mencintai diri sendiri.

Dua bulan lagi krucil masuk 2 tahun dan selama itu pula saya menjadi seorang ibu. Mungkin pengalamannya belum ada apa-apanya dibanding ibu-ibu lain yang anak-anaknya sudah besar. Tapi selama 2 tahun itu juga bikin sadar banyak hal. Jadi ibu rumah tangga yang dirumah aja itu ga gampang, yang ga kerja dan klo mau duit harus minta ke suami, yang mau dandan aja bingung soalnya cuma ke dapur aja, yang kerjaannya pake daster  lusuh kucel dan dekumel, yang bosen ngurusinnya cuma cucian piring baju dan ketemunya sama kotak dinding-dinding kamar dan rumah sambil seharian dengerin bahasa bayi.

Tapi bener deh belakangan ini lagi ngerasa kehilangan jati diri. Sebenernya apa sih jati diri? Itu loh yang kerja, bisa haha hihi di kantor, bisa kesana kemari abis kerja, bisa hang out waktu weekend, bisa bangun siang tiap weekend, yang bisa beli dan pake baju bagus tas dan sepatu bermerek, yang badannya langsing ga pake gurat2 strechmark. I feel like I lose myself when I become a mom seringnya saat bosan melanda hal-hal seperti itu yang dikangenin. Kangen bisa wangi bisa cantik dan itu bikin self-esteem menjunjung tinggi. Kangen bisa nulis blog setiap hari, bisa baca buku nonstop kalo buat saya. Tapi bener ga sih itu jati diri saya? Nope. Hal-hal kayak gitu buah dari kejenuhan berkutat hanya dirumah saja yang akhirnya bikin saya mikir it wasn't something that I'll do again if I want to. Sesungguhnya jati diri saya dulu seorang single yang happy. Dan sesunggunya jati diri saya sekarang adalah seorang ibu. And it's human for me to want to a period of time when everything was all about me. All those sacrifice will paid off in its time. It was just me having a weak moment.

Terlalu mikirin pendapat orang juga ga bagus apalagi kalo orangnya cuma bisa ngomong doang.. hehhehe.. now I am better.

How about you?

.cheers.

Being a Wife and Mom

I came across this article of Willow Smith ask her mother Jada Pinkett Smith on how hard is it being a wife and mom and make me thinking what I find in my 4 years becoming a wife and almost 2 year becoming a mom. Her answers makes me realize what I've been through and what's coming through.

Since I haven't had a little girl to ask me those kind of question or maybe never since I prefer son than daughter I'd like to see how am I gonna answer that. So here we come.

How hard is it being a wife and mom?

Ain't easy for sure but since I was the type of person who like to analyze everything puts me in advantage what to expect on being a wife and a mom even before I am one. It was hard at first for everything, being a wife and a mom, I cried a lot because I feel like I am alone which is true. Even though I went through a 9-years relationship with my husband and quite a lot know him didn't mean it was easy. A key to succesfull relationship is a communication. At that time even though we communicate it was not a communication that have a good result in the end. And it just wrong, imo. But those rocky road was our way to a more good communication. It took us 2 years of marriage to the place we are now. I could talk everything to him without being afraid if I am gonna hurt him or if it will made him angry and vice versa. But life itself was a rocky trip there will always a bump here and there.

To be truth I still can't believe if I am a mother. Having a kid not really on my life agenda there I said it. Simply because I didn't trust myself to be able to become one. But now I am a mother of one that change everything. It is true that once you have a kid your world changing. Most of your vocal point is your kid. The first year was the hardest, I think, because they depend a lot on me. And I believe that the second year and the years after that require different challange which is usually not easy. But there's million of mother in the world that knew how I feel. And therefore it gave me strength that I know I can do this. Love you kiddo.

So, what do you think? How hard is it being a wife and a mom for you?

.cheers.

Tak Terlihat

Ada tapi tak pernah dianggap ada.
Berkorban tapi tak pernah diakui.
Berjuang tapi tak pernah dihargai.
Kasian ya.
Saya malah kasian sama kamu.
Karena ga bisa liat bahwa ada kehidupan diluar diri kamu sendiri.

(Pilihan) Menjadi Ibu Rumah Tangga

Menjadi Ibu rumah tangga buat saya bukan sebuah pilihan tapi sebuah cita-cita. Cita-cita yang nampak kurang wah dibandingkan jawaban "jadi dokter, insinyur, dsb" pada saat saya kecil jadilah itu cita-cia yang saya pendam. Sekarang saat saya sudah menjadi seorang ibu menjadi ibu rumah tangga adalah pilihan saya satu-satunya.

Dengan tidak mengecilkan peran ibu yang berkerja, ini alasan kenapa saya hanya punya pilihan menjadi ibu rumah tangga:

1. Doktrin ayah saya. Walaupun ayah saya bukan tipe yang menakutkan tetapi kata-kata ayah saya bagaikan ultimatum bagi saya. Kata-kata ayah saya simpel namun hingga hari ini masih jelas di ingatan saya, beliau hanya bilang satu kali saat saya baru hamil "Berhenti bekerja sekarang atau nanti. Kalau nanti jangan suka nitip anak ke ibu bapak atau mertua. Urus anak sendiri". Tapi saya paham benar maksud beliau, mengurus anak sesungguhnya kodrah seorang ibu di mata Islam sedangkan perempuan tidak harus bekerja.

2. Saya tidak bisa menitipkan anak saya ke orang tua atau mertua kalau bekerja. Sudah jelas sekali ayah saya tidak bisa menjaga bayi karena beliau laki-laki sedangkan ibu saya sudah meninggal dunia. Kondisi kesehatan mertua yang membuat saya tidak mungkin tega menitipkan anak saya. Mengurus anak sendiri cukup melelahkan saya tidak bisa membayangkan lelahnya orangtua/mertua saya jika saya menitipkan anak ke mereka. Saya belum kenal daycare saat itu tapi pilihan ini tidak mungkin kalaupun saya bekerja.

3. Kepribadian saya yang sulit percaya pada orang dan mudah cemas membuat saya mengurus anak sendiri adalah yang terbaik buat saya. Perbedaan cara mengurus anak antara orangtua/mertua/pengasuh menjadi ganjalan besar buat saya. Saya besar dan tumbuh di tangan nenek saya membuat saya paham betul apa dampaknya di masa depan.

4. It's in my core menjadi seorang ibu rumah tangga. Bahwa kodrah seorang ibu adalah mengurus anak. Buat saya, mengurus anak adalah ibadah. So no amount of money can replace that.

Menjadi ibu bekerja tidak mudah begitu pula dengan menjadi ibu rumah tangga. Setiap ibu selalu berusaha menjadi yang terbaik untuk anaknya dengan melakukan yang terbaik bagi anaknya. Apa yang cocok untuk satu pribadi belum tentu cocok untuk yang lain.

Mungkin seringkali kita tanpa sadar merendahkan pilihan satu sama lain. Alangkah indahnya jika saling mendukung, saling menguatkan dan saling berbagi tanpa berpikir pilihan saya lebih baik dari yang lain.

So moms why you choose what you choose?

.Cheers.

Motherhood: "I am not that strong!"

Pictures from here

Menjadi ibu rumah tangga itu ga mudah sama ga mudahnya jadi ibu yang juga bekerja. Masing-masing punya kelebihan dan kekurangan masing-masing. Kali ini mau sharing rasanya jadi ibu rumah tangga full time.

Saya jadi ibu rumah tangga full time sejak hamil 3 bulan. Selama hamil belum ada dukanya diem di rumah seharian. Malah saya sangat menikmati di rumah. Walau sebenarnya saya bukan orang yang suka keluar rumah tanpa urusan yang jelas walau itu sekedar window-shopping. Tapi semenjak melahirkan dan punya anak menjadi ibu rumah tangga full time jadi momok tersendiri buat saya. ( serem ya bahasanya huhuhhuhu)

Masa lalu saya membuat saya biasa melakukan ini itu sendiri tanpa bantuan orang lain. Jadi jangan pernah berharap saya bakal minta tolong selama apa yang harus dikerjakan bisa saya kerjakan sendiri. Bapak saya mengajarkan saya hal-hal yang juga laki-laki kerjakan jadi jangan heran kalau saya bisa ganti ban mobil sendiri ya. Ada masanya suami keenakan karena sampe urusan mengangkat galon air saja saya lakukan sendiri. So kalo saya minta tolong artinya saya udah bener-bener ga bisa. Which is sebenernya ga bagus juga....

Kalau perempuan lain setelah melahirkan di manjakan dengan berbagai bantuan dari sana sini saya justru seminggu setelah melahirkan sudah jeger (kata yang liat ya bukan kata saya) walau sambil menahan perih sisa-sisa jahitan. Dua minggu setelah melahirkan saya sudah mencuci baju, masak, setrika dan bebersih rumah sendiri. Bangga? Ga juga biasa aja. Mungkin di mata orang saya bisa terlihat hebat atau bisa juga terlihat sok kuat. Either way I don't care. Cuma didikan bapak saya untuk jangan pernah menyusahkan orang itu lekat sekali.

Pagi ini tetangga sebelah bilang "neng, hebat ya kuat ngerjain semuanya sendiri. Nyuci, nyetrika, masak, bebersih rumah." Kalau udah seperti ini rasanya senang sekali bahwa ada orang yang perhatian dengan apa yang saya lakukan. Walaupun apa yang saya lakukan tadi bukan karena saya punya banyak pilihan justru karena saya tidak punya banyak pilihan. Hidup secukupnya dari single-income itu tricky jadi saya sudah tidak bisa itu hura hura belanja sana sini tanpa tujuan dan bahkan hire ART.

Jadi saya harus mengerjakan segala keperluan suami dan anak dan rumah sendiri tanpa melupakan keperluan untuk saya sendiri. Jujur buat saya tantangan menjadi ibu rumah tangga yang full time ada di rumah itu bukan terletak di bosan stay di rumah. Justru memenuhi kebutuhan suami anak rumah dan tentu saya sendiri.

Adakalanya saya malas sekali lihat tumpukan cucian yang harus di cuci dan di setrika atau tumpukan cucian piring dan segala peralatan masak belum lagi si kecil yang sedang senang sekali mengeksplor segala barang di penjuru rumah. Atau si kecil yang sedang berenergi mengajak main atau saat si kecil tanpa henti menangis saat sakit. Saat-saat seperti itu rasanya saya cuma mau duduk diem pasang musik keras-keras lalu nangis tanpa ingat apa-apa. Tapi tetap saja ada anak kecil lucu itu yang saya ingat saat saya mulai menutup diri dan mengatur emosi. Itulah ya yang namanya ibadah. Buat saya lupa sama semuanya. Buat saya lebih ikhlas dan ikhlas lagi.

Saya ga selalu kuat dan hebat koq. Ada masanya saya benar-benar merasa saya hampir gila. Gila karena saya tidak punya lagi yang namanya me-time. Tapi saya coba untuk terus ambil napas panjang lalu hembuskan pelan-pelan lalu peluk anak kecil yang lucu lalu everything's all right.

.Cheers.

Belajar Menjadi Tidak Sempurna

Rumah berantakan, mainan berceceran, sisa makanan berjatuhan belum lagi tumpukan cucian piring yang menggunung atau tumpukan cucian baju yang harus dicuci dan disetrika.

Atau

Si kecil sedang senang belajar makan sendiri walau apa yang dimakan jauh lebih sedikit dari yang dibuang, coretan-coretan rasa ingin tahu anak di dinding rumah, sampul-sampul buku yang terkoyak saat si kecil ingin membaca buku.

Moms pasti pernah ya mengalami hal yang demikian dirumah dan dengan si kecil. Tapi itulah nikmatnya hidup ya moms, menemani perjalanan belajar si kecil yang luar biasa sambil terus beribadah mengurus rumah tangga :) Satu hal baru ni moms yang saya pelajari semenjak saya menjadi seorang ibu adalah belajar menjadi tidak sempurna. Berhubung saya OCD membuat saya menjadi orang yang perfeksionis. Segala sesuatu harus dilakukan dengan sebaik-baiknya agar hasilnya sangaaaaaat maksimal (dan sangat rapih, sangat bersih, sangat terstruktur, sangat on-time).

Adanya kebiasaan itu harus saya buang jauh-jauh saat saya menjadi seorang ibu dan seorang full-time mom. Mempertahankan kebiasaan itu hanya akan buat saya stress sendiri. Awalnya susah memang ya tapi saya berusaha menerima batasan diri saya sendiri dan memaafkan diri saya. Saya selalu bilang pada diri saya sendiri "It's okay you're doing great. You don't have to do it all".

Saya yakin setiap moms pasti bisa menyelesaikan segala pekerjaan rumah sendiri sambil terus meluangkan waktu bermain dengan anak. Susah ya moms liat rumah berantakan sedikit maunya rapih aja tapi kalo kata iklan aja "berani kotor itu baik" mau gimana lagi ya ga? Hahhhahha

Maunya ya moms rumah bersih rapih tidak ada tumpukan cucian piring atau cucian baju atau baju yang harus disetrika. Tapi dalam pengerjaannya setiap hari tidak mungkin di lakukan sekaligus ada saja yang harus terhenti di tengah jalan karena si kecil mengajak main atau si kecil sedang manja. Belum lagi mainan si kecil yang berceceran atau tumpahan makanan kecil si kecil yang belum sempat dibersihkan sudah dimainkan lagi. Saya sendiri menyerah pada keadaan dan harus bisa kompromi dengan situasi yang ada. Jangan harap main kerumah saya siang-siang ruang tamu akan bersih mengkilap dan rapi yang ada hanya ceceran mainan dan buku-buku si kecil yang ada. Walau si kecil saya biasakan main di baby-box tapi sepertinya dia tidak bisa lihat sesuatu yang rapi (seperti mamanya :D), dulu saya sempat pusing tapi sekarang saya jauh lebih tidak peduli rumah berantakan karena saat malam dan si kecil sudah tidur saya bisa bersihkan dan rapihkan kembali.

Si kecil sedang berbaik hati cuma sedikit yang berantakan

Perlu usaha dan kerelaan yang lebih memang ya tapi semua worth-it. Menjadi seorang ibu justru membuat saya menemukan saya-saya yang lain yang saya tidak pernah saya kira akan saya lakukan. Saya yang lebih sabar. Saya yang bisa menaklukan OCD saya. Saya yang tidak sempurna.

.Cheers.