Be Humble

Seringkali dikeseharian itu ada aja ketemu orang yang sombong. Entah karena merasa kaya punya rumah lebih dari 1, kendaraan lebih dari 1, emas batangan lebih dari 1, jabatan tinggi, kenal orang2 berkedudukan dan sebagainya. Kadang cuma mau nanya "misiii,, emang semunya punya anda?'' kalo bukan dan semua cuma pinjaman dari Allah SWT terus yang disombongin itu apa. You are nothing. I am nothing. We are nothing. Nabi Muhammad SAW aja yang udah dijamin sama Allah SWT pasti masuk surga aja masih rajin ibadahnya rajin doanya. Nah kita itu siapaaaaa??? Terus klo masih sombong koq ya kebangetan banget gitu.

Do I Lose Myself in Motherhood?

Image

The answer is I don’t know. Maybe. I think many moms lose themselves in motherhood. Maybe I am one of them because I am slowly fading away from myself and my interest and my passion without even realizing that it is happening. I starting to realize just now but really maybe I am just a lazy person that use taking care of my kid as an excuse not to do more or at the end of the day it’s just exhausting to have what’s left of my energy to do what I like and opt for sleep, I don’t know. 

Motherhood is one long and tiring journey of changing diapers, feeding, and breastfeeding and on and on and on. I’ve just finished self-weaned my kid at 30 months and on the way to toilet training and separate sleeping. People would ask me why I haven’t toilet train my kid and the answer would be because I was lazy, I want the easy way of not having to wait my kid sit on the toilet or simply I don’t want to mop if he peed on the floor. Or why decide to separate sleeping so early because I want my bed back and my beauty sleep back. Motherhood means a lot of future homework. I overwhelmed.

When I was single or in my early years of marriage I used to love reading, listening music, writing my thoughts on my blog, writing poems and walking but simple things like that was a hard bargain to do anymore. Through the first and second years after my kid was born I was able to read books, lots of it, but in doing so I have to sacrifice my already limited-to sleep to nearly hanging by a thread. If I was reading a book I’d likely only sleep for 2 to 3 hours a day and it’ll run till the book finished and I have a habit to hardly put a book down once I read it. So they are days where I barely sleep and it affect my health, I was easily have asthma attack and skin allergic. Now, it’s been months since I enjoy reading. I’d like to write lots of things but in the end it’ll just end up in draft because I was suddenly blank or interrupted by the kid and those thoughts just fly by and never came back. And I haven’t walk in ages. 

Things I usually do slowly just nowhere in my agenda anymore. I love my kid and won’t trade anything with him but sometimes a really quality time with myself is just what I need. To me a mother is the world of the family and I believe a happy mother make a happy kid and husband thus a happy family. It’s important for a mother to be happy for what and where she is right now. 

Here’s ways I am gonna do to say Hi to myself again:

1.    Start to put myself in a daily and weekly agenda that will allow me to have some alone time

If I can make a daily time table for my kid to do surely I should be able to make one for me. Try to squeeze in an alone time for myself and make a quiet time for my kid so that he can play or read by himself. 

2.       Be Grateful

I gotta admit my level of gratefulness has been decreasing lately. Weak moments as I am overwhelmed by the task in my hands. Be happy with everything that I am today. 

3.      Start doing what I was doing when I was single like walking and swimming so I can think and clear my heads.

4.     Find new friends

To be honest I’ve been trying to do this but not always comfortable with the people I’ve met so far. But my aunt said to keep looking until you find the one you feel comfortable with. So that’s mean I have to keep looking. 

So Moms any of you have the same experience with me? I’d love to hear your stories. 


.cheers.

Why I Stop Shopping

I never really know if I like shopping or not. But I did know that once I had more than 20 pairs of shoes (high-heels/flats/wedges/sneakers) and countless bags and infinite amount of clothes (some are still have price tag hanging). And quite amount of money on my saving account because I like saving from when I was a elementary schooler. I had all of those when I was in high school and I have pocket money more than my average friends had. But then I went broke. That was when I was in college.

I struggle with money when I was in college. Did a lot of part time to have some spare money because money is tight and I no longer a trust fund kid (there's no such thing in my country but yes I spend my early year from my grandparents money but u know what I mean). So there's no longer activity that involves money in my part. I do still shop for necessity only and it's cheap clothes cheap bags cheap shoes something I can throw away easily if it's rotten. But sometimes I get a hand down branded clothes or bags or wallet from my other family which is great! I love expensive things... I mean who doesn't.

I didn't know when I found shopping is actually a wasting activity that leave me with nothing but exhausting feeling but I no longer enjoy shopping more over window shopping. But don't get me wrong I still go to a mall (even it's not too often) or sometimes a window shopping (more like a scanning shopping from outside the store to look something that might catch my eyes but mostly nothing attract me). And please separate shopping with groceries shopping, that one I love doing it.

At first I began feeling such a waste of money that I have clothes that was new (even still with the price tag) or clothes that only been wear one time or bags that some I rarely use it. That's when I started giving away clothes and bags and shoes. I no longer seeing the things that had brand in it or how beautiful it is, nope, I saw comfy only. So I went trough my closet and give away a lot of clothes that I don't feel 100% want to wear and leave clothes that I 100% will wear and that goes the same way to the bags and shoes. Untill today I've been doing a lot of sorting and able to reduce to 1/4 of what I used to have and still I feel my clothes and bags are still to much. And I am going to do another sorting out in this short haul. At first it wasn't easy to throw things out some are belong to my mom and some are things that I love but I keep telling myself that there's people out there that didn't even have decent clothes or bags or shoes and that it will be more usefull if it was wear by someone in need. And close my eyes.

Today I do shop but not for fashion but for necesity but not much and everytime I bought one or two clothes I made sure I give away one or two (the same amount) clothes/shoes/bags that I rarely wear. I once went with no shopping for more than 6 months. I sometimes envy with people that wear beautiful or up-to-date clothes/bags/shoes but that's only that because once I hit a store for shopping usually I leave with a headache. Something I am working on.

It's less than 2 weeks that ramadhan coming and I am going to do sorting out again! I saw on TV about "Outle Dhuafa" that sells clothes for free for people in need and they open for donations and that's are my clothes heading to. Just clothes. Because as per today my husband has more shoes than I am and my kid has more clothes than I am but I still have more bags (my mom bags mostly). So If you want to donate some please look on their instagram.

.cheers.

Crazy, Tired and Bored Stay-at-home Mom

I've been wanting to write for so long but the writer block and the kid yes were a major excuse for me for not being able to write. It's been 26 months being a stay-at-home mom plus 7 months a stay-at-home wife. That's A LOT. And this is just the time I have no idea what I have to do. I've been suffering from major boredom like literally I hate my life. It's nice to have a husband and a kiddo but sometimes I just wanna say "enuff is a enuff". The responsibility the never ending chores the demand the constant things just left me there in a corner of a dark room and cry.

I looooove my kiddo but being a parent is damn hard. I don't always get a me time which I should've known there's no such thing as me time when u have a kid. If you argue taking a shit uninterupted is a me time well there's your me time but to me NO that's not a me time that's me doing my humanly business. I tried so haard to be excited of the day but the truth I dread it. I don't know if you can but I can't spend my time from 7 am to 7 pm playing kiddie toy and talking baby words, it's boring. So sometimes I let the kid watch TV or DVD or play with my phone then you got to read on Facebook from parenting experts the negative effects of children that got to spend time watching tv and gadget. I mean wth! It makes me questioning myself, my ability as a parent.
Some of you probably have sitter or grandparents to play or care with your kid but me, I did it all. An adult once said to me to not let my kid watch tv but I know for sure that person never have a taste of being a stay-at-home mom and have to deal with kid all day. Ooo please never talk if u never in my shoes or offer any help.

Being a tired stay-at-home mom affects your interaction with your spouse. Well, in my case it is. My husband always away for works and everytime he went home he just want to relax and have couple quality time. Little did he know that kind of quality time is a rare thing. He, too was faced with kiddo demand of attention and it took a lot of his time and energy so by the end of the day we were both tired and the first thing in my was bed and sleep. We talked about this how we unconsciously missing our younger age where less responsibilities less chores and more less and less. But then we got to remind each other that this is the new us. The new me. The new you. As a parents. A mother. A father.

When crazy, tired and bored stay-at-home mom phase hit me I will likely remembering my young wild and free me (though the wild me only a couple of people I allowed them to see 😄).  With less responsibilities less chores less cooking less crying more money more fun more free life. Till today I am still juggling how to balance of me as a mother a wife a partner and as myself which never easy but I hope someday I found the right formula that work for everybody but most of all work for me.

.cheers.

P.s. Don't get me wrong I love you both hubs and kiddo to the moon.. I won't trade you for anything well maybe for ice cream. 😛

Dirty Thirties

As today I turn 30... Big THREE-FREAKIN-O

Fortunately I only have two people that remember my birthday: one of my brother (the other two will have a kick in their ass for not remembering mine) and one of my very best friend.

Today, I thought a lot of things. My hedonis kind of time... hahaha... I have that but not that hedonis. I miss that time... and that many many time that I spent in rooftop. I thought about a lot of things that I am not able to do or I choose not to do exactly. There's regret. But there's also realization because twas merely a dream and I live in real.

I've been dealing with the consequences of being a married woman, a wife and a mother. To the point that gave me headache. Meaning it's going to explode in my face soon. I give up a lot in this life in my life for people that mostly didn't appreciate me so it is my resolution to not give a damn fuck about other peoplw anymore. I want more me. The me that love me. I haven't been able to feel that for long.

So, me happy birthday mo chroi.

.Cheers.

Being a Wife and Mom

I came across this article of Willow Smith ask her mother Jada Pinkett Smith on how hard is it being a wife and mom and make me thinking what I find in my 4 years becoming a wife and almost 2 year becoming a mom. Her answers makes me realize what I've been through and what's coming through.

Since I haven't had a little girl to ask me those kind of question or maybe never since I prefer son than daughter I'd like to see how am I gonna answer that. So here we come.

How hard is it being a wife and mom?

Ain't easy for sure but since I was the type of person who like to analyze everything puts me in advantage what to expect on being a wife and a mom even before I am one. It was hard at first for everything, being a wife and a mom, I cried a lot because I feel like I am alone which is true. Even though I went through a 9-years relationship with my husband and quite a lot know him didn't mean it was easy. A key to succesfull relationship is a communication. At that time even though we communicate it was not a communication that have a good result in the end. And it just wrong, imo. But those rocky road was our way to a more good communication. It took us 2 years of marriage to the place we are now. I could talk everything to him without being afraid if I am gonna hurt him or if it will made him angry and vice versa. But life itself was a rocky trip there will always a bump here and there.

To be truth I still can't believe if I am a mother. Having a kid not really on my life agenda there I said it. Simply because I didn't trust myself to be able to become one. But now I am a mother of one that change everything. It is true that once you have a kid your world changing. Most of your vocal point is your kid. The first year was the hardest, I think, because they depend a lot on me. And I believe that the second year and the years after that require different challange which is usually not easy. But there's million of mother in the world that knew how I feel. And therefore it gave me strength that I know I can do this. Love you kiddo.

So, what do you think? How hard is it being a wife and a mom for you?

.cheers.

Tak Terlihat

Ada tapi tak pernah dianggap ada.
Berkorban tapi tak pernah diakui.
Berjuang tapi tak pernah dihargai.
Kasian ya.
Saya malah kasian sama kamu.
Karena ga bisa liat bahwa ada kehidupan diluar diri kamu sendiri.

Envy

 Yupe blabbing ga jelas dulu boleh kan ya. Today I wrote about envy. Envy of other people life. Seumur-umur walaupun suka lihat kehidupan orang lain yang lebih hijau dari saya ga pernah kepikiran sama sekali iri atau ada rasa iri walau sedikit. This might sound ridiculous but I envy my bestfriend life Edo that recently continue his study to Japan. He got scholarship from where he work. Adalah yang bikin iri dia bisa keluar negeri. Tinggal disana. Jauh dari kehidupan orang Indonesia yang kadang carut marut. Konyol emang kedengerannya dari sekian orang yang saya kenal saya cuma iri sama temen saya yang satu ini. Padahal banyak temen dan adik kelas saya yang lebih sering dan lebih lama sekolah ataupun kerja di luar negeri. I don't know but maybe because I really know him and how he struggle for it. I am proud but envy. 

Dari dulu saya selalu ingin keluar negeri. Tinggal dan besar dan ga pulang-pulang dimana saja selain Indonesia. Bukannya ga nasionalis tapi susah buat saya untuk tinggal disini. Mulai dari otoritas sampe hal orang Indonesia ga bisa buang sampah aja jadi masalah. I never feel like I belong here. I love walking yang ga mungkin banget bisa sering-sering di lakuin kalau musti balapan sama asap kendaraan. And the people, I think it's only me but I happen to meet people with narrow-minded one sedangkan saya sangat open-minded. Lots and lots things that make me never belong here. You will shock how open my mind is or to what extent my thought could wander. Tapi kenapa sih sampai sekarang saya ga pernah sekolah atau benar-benar tinggal di luar negeri. Saya pernah keluar negeri lho ya buat jalan-jalan aja. Jawabannya simpel sih ya saya merasa saya masih sangat dilindungi Allah SWT. Kenapa? Living overseas will make all my dark and dirty mind to happen. Pasti bingung kan pasti berandai-andai kan tapi justru cuma karena hal itu saya ga pernah berusaha tinggal di luar negeri. People get to live overseas because they have a purpose to do like maybe working studying and on well I on the other hand just want to have freedom. Freedom that I never get to have here.

Oooops, you got to know my dirty little secret. Nevermind. Well, If you like Japan or want to know how it feel to study in Japan you can check my buddy blog here http://nofriadiedo.blogspot.co.id/ and don't forget to say hi.

.Cheers.

Morton's Fork

This week is week full of good news from my husband, my family and my friends. I'm happy when they're happy. Moreover my husband got his new job. 

I've been waiting for this day. His new job means move out from home. I've been dying to live alone. 

The realization is I-we-need to stay at Jakarta, capital city of Indonesia. I've been staying at Jakarta before I got married for 1y9m and then I commute for 1y4m. I love the idea of living (again) in Jakarta means I don't need to commute 4 hours a day by train for work add with my fight with cold shower, cold weather, uncomfortable train, Jakarta traffic. I'm happy and can't wait to not commute everyday. 

But then I remember how I loathe living in Jakarta so bad. This city is hideous. I hate the temptation of the lifestyle-the more money you've got the more money you'll spend-and I've been fighting it off the last 2 years. All the hustle and bustle of Jakarta that make me often nausea. And I've never been a city girl. 

I do happy but it just doesn't feel that right.

It's a dilemma with two equally unpleasant options like when people said "between the devil and the deep blue sea"

verbicide magazine

I can't find any other way. I just want to settle but perhaps it's not the time. So I guess I just need to endure, I hope I won't get crazy. 

.Cheers.

Soul, Books and Library

I always love reading whether it's books or comics. There's a time when I was in high school I read Indonesian literature from Indonesia author which I unconsciously choosing a thought-provoking theme and hard to chew with in through my mind. I was a comic freak when I was in college. There's a cheap comic rental along the way to my college so instead of bringing subject lit I brought a bag full of comics and instead of studying I read comics in most all prof's class. Sorry sir.

Just recently, when I was getting bored with daily routine I started read books but this time more novel-like with varies genre from romance, dystopian-utopian, young-adult, erotica, paranormal and sometimes arduous English literature but never a horror or mystery one. Never. Just never.

Realizing reading books actually broaden my mind. I actually learn a lot of things I never knew exist and I enjoyed the most about social, psychological, character development and pain. In Indonesia, reading was a luxury hobby because we don't make it a good habit on that. We love piracy because it's cheaper but I know that is definitely wrong. Plus with our lack of purchasing power over book made reading wasn't a big habit. Whilst going to mall doing nothing but wandering like loony, blabbering ridiculous jokes, buying new clothes, or ogling hot strangers seemed common hobby here.

I love books a lot because it's richen my soul and I am dying to have a personal library or at least a giant massive bookshelf at home. I do hope my kids will inherit this hobby from their mother. I hope I can have these kind of library in my future home, someday.

+ + + +

You realize I like earth-tone color, right? I do like it a lot because it gives warmth. So do you like books?

.Cheers.

A Day Without .....

...... my smartphone. 

I didn't do it on purpose because I forgot to bring them with me, but I am glad I forgot.

I was pretty anxious at first because my blackberry is for work purpose but I realize it I have no love for my blackberry so I am glad he's sitting on my desk at home. 

I am like men out there and nowhere like women because I like gadget A LOT. I've been trying out a lot of brands and even now but I didn't have desire to change my smartphone like I did. The more technology as smartphone and other gadget out there I was back to basic, I like it if there's no such thing as smartphone, laptop, tab, or else. Just simple thing as lame computer and slow connection internet. 

I didn't really like smartphone nowadays because it's too complicated with applications and never-ending soc med drained your smartphone battery. What use of mobile phone when it easily run out of battery? I hate it because it makes people easily connect to soc med and do nothing than staring at their smartphone.

I like when everything so old school. But that's not what happen out there.

These are TeliaSonera Trends research studies, which they conduct periodically via mobile (and web) apps that are available in 12 countries and for Apple, Android and Symbian smartphones (link)

If I had a chance in the future, I'd like to do it again (or maybe next time I'll do it on purpose).

.Cheers.

Silent Wrath

Dull Wednesday,

My emotion been riding roller coaster past few day, jolting from one thing that pissed me off to another. I always believe that patience has no limit. Everytime we think we are patient enough life will teach us another higher limit of patience. That's what I exactly I've been trained from time to time. It's perplexing for people I guess but I am someone very patient and yet very impatient. When there's a lot of things that test my patient, you don't see my anger as I keep it in silent wrath. 

 

First. Late arrival of my ring order. It supposed to take 7-10 days for custom order until delivered to me, but apparently it took 18 days and without any notice from the seller about my order and I can't contact them either. Just yesterday I had the call telling me that their internal system is broke down and all the data is all lost. They asked me for my detailed order then they'll check if my order is considered done. It is, thankfully. I just need to wait couple more days until it arrived.

Second. I met this man in a prayer room twice at that day. I met him couple of times before because we are in the same building. I am not typical who likes to go in a pack in everything, mostly I like being alone and thus give man a bigger chance to approach me most of the times for small talks. But I don't do talks especially to strangers. Later then, he asked me a phone number and a blackberry PIN which I don't bring any gadget that day. He insisted to ask a phone number, so for the sake of friendly personality I gave him my number. He text his blackberry PIN and asked me to add his, I did so. The annoying part was begin, he started to ask whether I already went home or not, I am not someone who hang around my gadget all the time so I didn't reply him and cause him PING! me all the time. Note: I hate people who chat through bbm with PING! unless it's my boss and my family for urgent matter or for bad-signal sake. I finally get it that he's trying to flirt and yet I hate it with the PING! PING! PING! bbm because I didn't reply his bbm. I have an advice for men or women who want to approach for new people, see their right or left finger, OBSERVE if she or he is wearing a WEDDING RING. That's how foreign people-and I-usually do in order to know our place. Telling him I am married is easy but I don't like the idea of how he annoyed me to the place I'd do the same. I am not a good speaker so once people annoyed me, it's not gonna nice what I they might to hear, so most of the times I keep in silent but yet make a necessary action by removing his contact from my bbm list. I did remove some people from my friend list if they have annoying traits.

Third. The things that test my patient the most is I got my other blog SUSPENDED! in violation on terms and services. I was in a very good mood and happy because November is National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo) so I made my self at least one post a day in my other blog. I have myself in passion in writing, some of them are even have theme that encourage me and push me to write something new. I wrote about Paradise-Bali and put some links that have direct access to Bali tourism, apparently I think one of the links I put make me through the Terms and Services violation. It shocked me. Make me pale and angry. I supposed to follow my heart to write about something else, but I insisted. I asked for help to the customer service to help me get my blog back but until today they didn't give me the answer for at least ease my mind. I need my blog back :(

Fourth. I hate it when it come to deal with credit division from bank. They made no clear things to do or to sign and made me to work twice or three times at that. I hate it every time from their side telling the sooner the better. Yet you gave so fucking mislead information. I experienced it with couple banks but this really cost me a lot.

There's the fifth and sixth and seventh and eighth I've been dealing with things that cost me patience. I don't know. Grumbling around and spit it out to other people won't change anything in me but at least writing will. Writing is my therapy. 

.Cheers.

Hubungan Antar Sesama

Saya senang bisa melihat kehidupan orang lain dan membacanya, memahaminya, ya semacam analisa seperti itu. Saya ga pernah tau kenapa bisa jatuh cinta dengan hubungan antar sesama dan mempelajari hubungan antar sesama itu padahal saya bukan orang psikologi dan bukan orang yang mudah bergaul. Atau lebih tepatnya juga saya membatasi diri bergaul karena saya merasa orang-orang memiliki beragam penerimaan akan keberadaan seseorang. Saya merasa pemikiran saya berbeda dan mungkin sedikit tajam untuk beberapa orang.

Setiap orang hidup dengan beragam masalah dan solusinya. Tapi saya paling sebel klo orang men-judge seenaknya. Saya ga mau munafik, saya juga menjudge orang tapi saya ga membiarkan orang itu tau dengan apa yang saya pikirkan atau apa yang saya judge. Saya gag mau orang itu merasakan keanehan dengan pikiran2 saya. Dan menurut saya, saya ga berdosa karena saya simpan pikiran itu untuk saya sendiri. Ga ada orang yang ingin hidup disalahkan atas apa yang dia putuskan di hidupnya, dan bukan membenarkan yang salah. Ga ada orang yang mau dicibir atau setiap melihat orang-orang tersebut akan menyinyir atas apa yang dia putuskan. Hanya saja kata salah seperti momok menakutkan bagi sebagian orang terutama saya.

Ingat, setiap orang diberikan permasalahan masing-masing sesuai dengan kemampuan masing-masing. Bagaimana dia menjalankannya, bagaimana dia memutuskannya, bagaimana dia ber-deal dengan apa yang dia hadapi kita ga bisa sekonyong-konyong menilai apa yang dilakukan seseorang itu salah atau benar. Kita memang hidup berkomunitas, komunitas tersebut yang terkadang menilai sesuatu benar atau salah. Kalau sesuai dengan komunitas syukur-syukur ga dicibir. Tapi saat salah alangkah baiknya kita ga menghakimi orang itu. Setiap permasalahan merupakan titik balik untuk seseorang. Setiap orang punya waktunya masing-masing untuk berkembang dan menjalani hidup yang lebih baik. Alangkah bijaknya kita lihat saja dari jauh, ketika terlalu jauh cukup diingatkan saja, ketika orang itu jatuh-tunggu saja sampai dia bertanya tentang apa yang dia butuhkan, ketika orang itu benar jaga saja orang itu agar terus benar. Kita tidak bisa memaksakan kehendak untuk mengajari orang lain maupun mengubah kehidupan atau pun pribadi orang lain. Karena ketika sudah waktunya orang tersebut akan merubahnya sesuai dengan keinginannya sendiri dan pasti hasilnya akan lebih indah.

Selamat mencoba!

Cheers,

Cinta atau Benci

Kesannya gw hidup ga bersyukur banget ya.. gw ga suka tinggal di Jakarta tapi mau ga mau karena kebutuhan juga..Gw ga abis pikir jalanan penuh dan sesak mobil-mobil pribadi. Kemacetan dimana-mana. Merajalela. Dan waktu yang dihabiskan orang-orang disini hampir selalu di luar apakah itu diluar rumah atau di luar kozan. Gw kangen sama "Sang Mantan" sangat....

Gw termasuk orang yang sering kali kesepian dan sekarang gw memotivasi diri gw untuk keluar dari jejaring sosial apakah itu facebook or twitter. Sejauh ini gw undah menon-aktifkan facebook gw. Tapi kebayang aja tambah ga ada kerjaannya gw. Gw belum mau bawa lappy ke kozan karena super berat ni lappy secara ya massa tubuh gw ga berat-berat amat. dan gw belum memasang speedy di kozan jadi terpaksa merana dulu selama satu bulan ini.

"Sang Mantan" kangen sangat saya.....can you suddenly call me?

Kesendirian yang Menyenangkan...

Haaaaahh...

Senang rasanya akhir pekan ini. Emang ga kemana-mana sie tapi ntah kenapa ada rasa baru yang selama ini belum pernah dirasain. Selalu menganggap malam minggu itu penting untuk keluar bareng pacar atau paling tidak klo tidak punya pacar ya bersosialisasi dengan teman-teman. Weekend ini malah ga keluar kemana-mana dari Jumat malem sampai Minggu. Ada bagian yang terasa sedih karena orang yang sekarang paling dicinta ga ada dan ada bagian-bagian yang mengingatkan padanya. Apart from it, ada ketenangan, ada ketidakpedulian, ada kenyamanan, ada keikhlasan, ada kepuasan di rasa kali ini. dan mudah-mudahan rasa ini bertahan sampai waktu yang lama.

Bersyukur banged sama Tuhan dikasih kemampuan untuk bisa melihat kebahagiaan orang lain dan bagaimana mereka nyaman dan menerima dan mencintai hidup mereka masing-masing yang pasti ada kekurangan dan kelebihan dan tetap membuat mereka menikmati dirinya sendiri. Rasa yang luar biasa. Thank GOD.. 

Dan menyadari cinta itu seperti apa. Gak selalu indah c tapi yakin dan percaya bahwa ada cinta yang indah. Rasanya semua sakit itu tiba-tiba lenyap dan menguap. Semoga semua rasa dan memori yang ga perlu semua menguap dan tidak kembali. 

Terima kasih Allah swt. aku sudah merasakan kekuatan untuk hidup yang luar biasa dan kali ini kekuatan cinta yang sebenarnya.

Lebai yach but that's the truth.

To Remember Or Not To Remember?

because i'm so foolish, i know only you
you who are looking at someone else,
you probably don't know my heart

there is no me in your day,
probably not even in your memories
but i'm looking at only you as my tears continue to fall
but i'm looking at only you,making memories by myself

i'm happy with looking at your back figure
though you still don't know my heart
though at the end, you'll just brush past me

to me, love is like a beautiful wound even though i see your pretty smile,
i can't smile with you

the days that i miss you so much
the days when it's too hard to bear
the words "i miss you" are dancing on my lips
the days when you fill up my thoughts 
the days when my heart grows cold and i'm sad




"Because I'm Stupid" SS501 

Mourning call

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Lately i drowned in solitariness too much to fond of..
I read more. I speak more. I write less. I think more.
It took gastric acid come ahead. so strong. i cudn't ignore.


It was yesterday..a phonecall late at night remembering me of the voice i dont wanna remember. at all.


but If you can't hold on let it go and come back in your heart.


And the gigantic oranges seemed sleepy that day. I real missed its heat. Peripheral is cold wild while people with mad setting up AC to less 20. wtf? but the best part was sauna in Gym waited for the kids..They and I were learned fine and gross motoric skills. I bet i'm not good at fine motor skill since i'm not good at art..

Fine motor skills can be defined as coordination of small muscle movements which occur e.g., in the fingers, usually in coordination with the eyes.
Gross motor skills refers to the abilities usually acquired during infancy and early childhood as part of a child's motor development.

But if you can't hold on maybe it's not time for you

PE time !! They practiced to catch and throw ball using their minor hand use. I gave it a try. NOt bad..since i left-handed few but i can't draw.STILL. lol

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It was today. I took economy train from RawaBuntu BSD to Sudimara. It was not delighted at all. At RawaBuntu the train is lower than the platform, i was imagining someone get its foot stuck in..yikes...an at Sudimara there is NO PLATFORM so i jumped out the train so high, so testing my adrenaline, and if you wanted to cross you hafta bow down the train. WTF?? unless you need to die that time.
Again there is 2 railway more so if you wished to get out from the train station u need to pass train-on-train on one of the railway. No platform..Jezz.. Once i heard vaguely an officer announcing..

"Be careful, if you want to pass through train-on-train you need to look to the left and right.. Somehow there was other train passing through"

INSANE!!! And when i pass through the last train in the second last railway..guess what? the train IS MOVING...i cannot believe what just happened...i jumped out and ended up stepping on someone's wares..HAH..sorry mam!
What an adrenaline!! Along the way I thank GOD still save..

And if you can't hold on on your very last try i'll be there in the morning to pull you through

Everyone started asking my pale-empty look..Well, they've just realize it is because fasting while it's not. I'm still surviving from this.

No matter i enjoyed my solitariness. still.

Can't hold on (Melee) over and again

So Shining Sun

I HEART THIS

I thank GOD for this necklace..it's my grandma's..and it SHINE..
First, i thought it was shining sun but i think it's sun flower..
whatever i love both sun and sunflower..
I uninterested when my grandma gave me a wooden jewelry box but i ended up shocked once i opened the jewelry box..it has 4-5 necklace if i counted it right and some old earings..
This necklace swiped me right on..

I love jewelry. I love shining stuff. I love sun(flower) both.

Thanks grandma..even though i'm still bit imbed rage inside..most of all i love you..mizz ya