Be Humble

Seringkali dikeseharian itu ada aja ketemu orang yang sombong. Entah karena merasa kaya punya rumah lebih dari 1, kendaraan lebih dari 1, emas batangan lebih dari 1, jabatan tinggi, kenal orang2 berkedudukan dan sebagainya. Kadang cuma mau nanya "misiii,, emang semunya punya anda?'' kalo bukan dan semua cuma pinjaman dari Allah SWT terus yang disombongin itu apa. You are nothing. I am nothing. We are nothing. Nabi Muhammad SAW aja yang udah dijamin sama Allah SWT pasti masuk surga aja masih rajin ibadahnya rajin doanya. Nah kita itu siapaaaaa??? Terus klo masih sombong koq ya kebangetan banget gitu.

Me In Hijab

picture from here

After all the ups and downs. After all the silly questions to help me brace the decision. After a 3-long years I finally decided myself to wear a hijab. 

It's been years full of sign and my anxiousness of all the ridiculous fear but I am glad I was there in the end. If anything I would make a habit to wear a hijab as early as possible if I have a daughter. If anything I was mad to my parents that they did not teach me to wear one from the beginning. So that I have to have this struggle. So that I have to re-boot my mind of how I see beauty. Islam is a beauty and all the clause in it is beauty. So wear a hijab is a beauty.

"O you Children of Adam! We have bestowed on you raiment to cover your shame as well as to be an adornment to you. But the raiment of righteousness, that is the best. Such are among the Signs of Allah, that they may receive admonition.” (Quran 7:26)“

And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what must ordinarily appear therof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands, their fathers, their husbands' fathers, their sons, their husbands' sons, their brothers, or their brothers' sons or their sisters' sons, or their women or the servants whom their right hands possess, or male servants free of physical needs, or small children who have no sense of the shame of sex, and that they should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments. And O you Believers, turn you all together towards Allah, that you may attain Bliss.” (Quran 24:31).

“O Prophet, tell your wives and your daughters and the women of the believers to draw their cloaks close round them (when they go abroad). That will be better, so that they may be recognised and not annoyed. Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.” (Quran 33:59). (from here)

I am in no place to judge others so you don't have to make excuses in your heart to make what you did is okay (If you are not wearing a hijab). But I remember once I was ashamed and cried because I am Islam and still not wearing a hijab. Today I may not in a phase where I start wearing a long abaya but I start with lose clothes and I hope someday I will be there. I realized that still learning a lot of thing and I hope someday I will be a Muslim as a whole and die in Islam as a whole.

Why I Stop Shopping

I never really know if I like shopping or not. But I did know that once I had more than 20 pairs of shoes (high-heels/flats/wedges/sneakers) and countless bags and infinite amount of clothes (some are still have price tag hanging). And quite amount of money on my saving account because I like saving from when I was a elementary schooler. I had all of those when I was in high school and I have pocket money more than my average friends had. But then I went broke. That was when I was in college.

I struggle with money when I was in college. Did a lot of part time to have some spare money because money is tight and I no longer a trust fund kid (there's no such thing in my country but yes I spend my early year from my grandparents money but u know what I mean). So there's no longer activity that involves money in my part. I do still shop for necessity only and it's cheap clothes cheap bags cheap shoes something I can throw away easily if it's rotten. But sometimes I get a hand down branded clothes or bags or wallet from my other family which is great! I love expensive things... I mean who doesn't.

I didn't know when I found shopping is actually a wasting activity that leave me with nothing but exhausting feeling but I no longer enjoy shopping more over window shopping. But don't get me wrong I still go to a mall (even it's not too often) or sometimes a window shopping (more like a scanning shopping from outside the store to look something that might catch my eyes but mostly nothing attract me). And please separate shopping with groceries shopping, that one I love doing it.

At first I began feeling such a waste of money that I have clothes that was new (even still with the price tag) or clothes that only been wear one time or bags that some I rarely use it. That's when I started giving away clothes and bags and shoes. I no longer seeing the things that had brand in it or how beautiful it is, nope, I saw comfy only. So I went trough my closet and give away a lot of clothes that I don't feel 100% want to wear and leave clothes that I 100% will wear and that goes the same way to the bags and shoes. Untill today I've been doing a lot of sorting and able to reduce to 1/4 of what I used to have and still I feel my clothes and bags are still to much. And I am going to do another sorting out in this short haul. At first it wasn't easy to throw things out some are belong to my mom and some are things that I love but I keep telling myself that there's people out there that didn't even have decent clothes or bags or shoes and that it will be more usefull if it was wear by someone in need. And close my eyes.

Today I do shop but not for fashion but for necesity but not much and everytime I bought one or two clothes I made sure I give away one or two (the same amount) clothes/shoes/bags that I rarely wear. I once went with no shopping for more than 6 months. I sometimes envy with people that wear beautiful or up-to-date clothes/bags/shoes but that's only that because once I hit a store for shopping usually I leave with a headache. Something I am working on.

It's less than 2 weeks that ramadhan coming and I am going to do sorting out again! I saw on TV about "Outle Dhuafa" that sells clothes for free for people in need and they open for donations and that's are my clothes heading to. Just clothes. Because as per today my husband has more shoes than I am and my kid has more clothes than I am but I still have more bags (my mom bags mostly). So If you want to donate some please look on their instagram.

.cheers.

Disconnect to Reconnect

picture from here

 Coming from a big family that loooove to have gathering so much make me feel so much enjoyment, comfort and at ease even for someone introvert like me. I used to sulk if my dad decided to spend time at home only on Eid day instead of going house by house of my relatives. Growing up lacking of love always made me try to find love by having connection with people either family or friends. And I'll always be that kind of person that will make more effort to connect with someone till this day. But since 5 years ago, the moment where I actually accept myself and able to love myself, I become more selective on having a relationship with both family or friends.

For me, a relationship is a TWO WAY process. For both relationship with family or friends. A relationship require efforts from both sides. And I learned the hard way about one way relationship. So It's been years that I finally able to have a TWO WAY relationship and I intended to savor that relationship. I never cut-off a relationship but it just vanished the moment I no longer put effort to it. Does it hurt? Like hell. At first, I was appalled that the reason I lost a relationship are because of money, because of marriage, because of a man, because of a woman. But then I realized their worth of my time and no they are not worth it. So I just didn't have to put so much effort anymore. I no longer need pile of relationship just so that I am loved. And I am happy with that because I love myself more.

But this year I have a lot of talks with my husband and how his circle of relationship are much worse than me so we decided to RECONNECT with people. Both family and friends. To me, some are an unsolved case but most of all I want to reconnect because Allah SWT. Because what we called hablumminannas (human relationships with other humans). Through this reconnecting I hope to make more  A NEW BEGINNING and find a lot of closure that I might need and RE-START again.

  

.Cheers.

Being Strong is The Only Way

Being strong is the only way for me TO SURVIVE.

Ditinggal mama diumur 14 tahun.
Ga punya figur perempuan dan laki-laki yang dekat di hati.
Bikin keputusan sendiri soal tinggal dimana masuk universitas apa masuk jurusan apa.
Hidup pas-pasan waktu kuliah demi bisa bebas merdeka.
Ketergantungan sama pacar.
Bikin banyak kesalahan karena semua keputusan atas dasar diri sendiri.
Ga bisa tanya ini itu soal pasangan hidup, jadi istri, membangun keluarga, punya anak.
Ga bisa mengeluh cape ngurus anak sama mama sendiri.
Ga bisa nitipin anak ke mama sendiri terus tetep kerja seperti yang lainnya.
Jadi stay-at-home mom yang kalo lagi jenuh rasanya luar biasa.
Terlalu super nge-handle semua pekerjaan rumah sampe angkat galon, maku dinding, ngurus ini itu yang harusnya yah jadi kerjaan laki-laki.
Harus mau ditinggal suami yang lebih seringnya di luar kota daripada di rumah.

Terus lagi harus denger ini itu dari orang yang ga pernah tau kehidupan lo itu rasanya pengen gw jitak.

Sometimes I hate my husband job that require him travelling more than at home.

Sometimes I hate the way my dad raised me to be able to do man's stuff. Even till this day. Beliau suka bilang "harus bisa. Ga boleh takut. Ga usah takut" wth!

Kadang mereka lupa saya perempuan yang pengen bisa manja-manja ke lelaki gitu loh. Makanya sueebelnya minta ampun liat perempuan yang dikit-dikit ngeluh muanja cantik. Kan ya masa setiap pekerjaan rumah yang harusnya dikerjain laki-laki baru bisa dikerjain kalo merekanya available. Bisa jamuran kalo gw.

Tapi gw sudah melewati masa-masa menyesal klo gw bikin banyak salah. Am only human afterall.

Tapi gw ga pernah menyesal atas pilihan2 hidup saat gw udah 'sadar'. Sedih kadang but am only human.

Be strong is the only way buat gw hidup dan bertahan hidup. Kalo ga gw udah dadah babay kali ya.

Tapi gw percaya being strong to survive with all the sacrifice that I've made in life cuma bisa dibayar sama Allah SWT.

Dan itu yang bikin gw tambah kuat.

.Cheers.

A Life You (Might) Never Know

I wasn't someone coming from money although some of my family did have money more than I can produce. Today was another day that remind me to always be grateful. So we, my husband-me-and-my kid, are on our way to the Mckids so that our kid can have sometime to play with people his age. Halfway through the destination rain came down pouring with no inclination to stop. We decided to stop and wait for the rain to stop. Because no way we went through the rain as my kid recently having HFMD and I was just visit the doctor. We didn't want to take a risk of soaking in a cold heavy rain.

We took a shade in front of one of the shop and being hungry that we are. We decided to eat right there in the cold hard floor of a closed shop while ordering meatball soup. Some people that we know might take pity on us but to me this kind of hardship remind me to always grateful and humble. Never once in my life that I feel ashamed of what we've been through as a family. Problem is we never let people even our own family knows our hardship.

We as a human really want to give their best to our loved ones. Hence, me being a parents make me want to give my best to the kiddo. We able to provide a decent shelter that in the process put me in a lot of stress, you are lucky if your parents could provide you some financial assistance, but not me and my husband. We need to work our ass of and drain our entire saving to be able to buy our family a decent home. With me quit the job right at the moment I knew I was pregnant it brought us a new problem: how are we gonna survive with single income? We're hanging by a thin thread the moment we live by ourself but in return having a house giving you more freedom. Freedom to shape your own kid and your own family. And it didn't just stop there.

We have no car. If it's just me and my husband I really don't give a fuck to go to one destination to other by using my husband motorcycle. The 14-years-old motorcycle. That if you speed up through a bump one or another part of the motorcycle tore apart (you won't believe it but it's true). But that's the only transport we have. At first I'd had unshed tears everytime my kid was riding with us and there's just too much heat or (mostly) rain. And at night I'll cry myself while watching my kid for having to go through that condition but we as a parents have no choice. People could pity us or questioning us on why we couldn't afford a car. And that's the only thing they could do and sometimes I just wish they just shut up. You probably never know what it feel to not have an option. Truthfully we couldn't afford a car. And I didn't want we didn't have a car lead us to just stay at home. We've been through up and down in that motorcycle. We've had scattered our monthly groceries on the road because we didn't take into account how many groceries we're able to bring if we went on groceries. We've been through many cold heavy rain. We've been through the hottest weather. We've been through the happiest and saddest moment in that motorcycle with our kid sandwich between us. And in every trip we had I always pray that this struggle and sacrifice will make my kid grow in grateful and humble.

It has name. Thank you F  for accompanying us this whole time.

This might a little piece of struggle and sacrifice I want to share. Don't want your pity. Don't want anything in return because through this process I learn one thing: to never expect people acknowledgement just expect Allah SWT acknowledgement. But If you want to share yours maybe we can be a good friends. I love talking about what life give us.

picture from here

.Cheers.

When Life Hits You Hard

Kapan ya terakhir kali life hits me hard? Dulu mungkin sewaktu ibu saya pergi. Setelah itu memori yang saya punya hanya bertahan hidup, ga gila dan ga gantung diri sambil berusaha nemuin jati diri sendiri tanpa bantuan orang lain. Seringkali saya bersyukur bahwa saya ga gila, ga mati, ga nge-drugs dan ga rusak padahal saya punya hak buat jadi rusak. Bikin kesalahan? Buanyaaaak banget. Dari yang kecil sampe yang gede yang mayoritas orang lain ga tau how broken I am. Tapi semua itu ga bikin saya jadi lupa akar hidup saya. Agama. Walaupun banyak orang ga akan percaya tapi agama yang menyelamatkan saya dan ketakutan saya akan murka ayah saya.

Jadi jangan heran saya itu pemikir paraaaaah. Dari a sampe z dipikirin sampe keujung detil-detil kehidupan. Kehidupan orang lain buat saya ada lah pelajaran. Ambil yang baik dan ingat baik baik yang buruk supaya dikedepan hari saya ga gitu. Orang suka bilang saya stress tapi saya ga pernah ngerasa stress karena buat saya, berfikir adalah saya. Justru yang bikin stress saya bukan masalah saya sendiri atau orang lain justru karena orang. Interaksi sama orang yang sering bikin saya stress.

Karena manusia adalah makhluk paling sempurna oleh Sang Pencipta karena diberikan akal fikiran. Membuat saya seringkali berfikir sebelum melakukan sesuatu atau berbicara sesuatu. Termasuk memikirkan tentang apa yang telah terjadi di masa lalu, apa yang sedang dijalankan sekarang dan apa yang akan dilakukan nanti di masa depan.

.Cheers.

Birthday In Silent

Time pass by very fast. Last year, I had Birthday In Silent when I turned 26. Likewise today, I expect a silent birthday. As usual I don't celebrate birthday and this very early morning my hubs gave me a surprise while I was in my sleep by bringing me 27 white roses. Sweeeet. Thanks hubs :* . But I do have wishlist as always, 27 wishlist:

1. My happy little family with my hubs and future kids
2. Successful in my religion 
3. To stay grateful
4. Ready to conceived a baby someday within this year
5. Healthy and stronger woman
6. Devote to become a good daughter
7. Devote to become a good sister
8. Devote to become a good granddaughter
9. Devote to become a good daughter-in-law
10. Successful in my work
11. Want to travel solo somewhere around Asia or Indonesia. Somewhere with beach and hot so I can tan myself
12. Live together with my hubs only
13. Want to join any social organization for children in need
14. Want to able to become someone people always can talk to
15. A great friend - My own definition of friend
16. Learn MuayThai
17. Live without hesitation
18. A new unique mug for my desk at office. Mine's broken
19. To work from home
20. Blog more
21. No need to work out to get lean muscle in my hand
22. Signed copy of Fisher Amelie's books
23. Get tanned
24. Learn French
25. A great kitchen set. I love great kitchen but I don't love to cook
26. Able to stay young and celebrate another birthday in the next following year
27. An Audi R8

Two years ago my wishlist was about stuff and this year mostly my wishlist is about life. Whatever it it isn't a big matter as long as I stay grateful. Stay grateful in good times and bad times. I love you life. Always.

.Cheers.

Happy New Year 1434 H

Happy New Year for all moslems,

Many times we forgot that our new year is actually on  1 Muharram 1434 Hijriah or happen November 15th this year. Especially this year I felt the vibe how many people celebrate new year massively. This new year happened in Thursday and Friday was common holiday so there were a long vacation on weekend. A lot of people have chance to spend their time with family and beloved people.

As my husband working on weekend, I have nothing to do apart from blogging. So I did a little self-reflection like I used to do except in this past years. You know, what's next goal, what I've been achieve and sorta things. Since married, actually, I lost all that I called passion that sometimes possessing. Apparently my goal on this 2 years were the same and I just realized how actually Allah SWT fulfilled mostly my goal. 

Started couple years ago I wrote what I want to achieve and what I already achieved. All in my notebook. (I'll update you with the picture later).

From all the list, most are accomplished, some are delayed, some are cancelled. Most of the things were for my family so weren't for my personal enhancement. Though not all was accomplish with my effort but with my eldest brother too. For me, no matter who accomplished it as long as it for family matter it's ok, I had a good intention and was hoping the best. For parents, for family what's not.

Once more HAPPY NEW YEAR 1434 H. Happy holiday. Happy long weekend :)

Updated:

Have you write down your wish-list to achieve for the next year? I don't have list for a good reason now, sorry, but I'll let you know if I end up have one.

.Cheers.

Triplet Festivity

Among all months in a year, November give me the most feels, the mark of the life and the death of the dearest.

. My brother's birthday. It's been 12 years now. We had family dinner and he managed to choose to eat steak. Yes he can choose what he likes and dislikes. Though I found my self at disadvantage to find him a birthday gift. I don't know which category does a 12-year-old boy is, a kid or a teenager? My brothers are the reason I need to become a good sister, a good role mode which somehow I failed to manage it. I never succeed. We all grew with no mother presence and so much drama in life and I have this worry that he needs to go through a life I've been through. The hardship of have no mother as your teacher of life. But I hope he'll manage to go through it as like his other sister and brother manage to go through it. We have this same blood. A blood of a survivor and a fighter. Happy Birthday, F!

. My mother's death. Yes, it's been 12 years by now, as you can see the hint. My mother was one of a mother who put her life in the line to deliver her child, my brother. She was always a tough mother and I grateful that Allah SWT take her away because life can harm her and I don't want that. Every time I've through the hardship where I wish she was there holding and accompanying me I just feel more grateful that she wasn't. For the best mother deserve the best place. In Allah's side. Nothing more beautiful than that. I always love you, mom!

. My 1st Wedding Anniversary. It's been a years + 9 years of relationship means 10 years togetherness. Me and husband never really celebrate our anniversary only at the beginning years of the relationship. And, to be honest, to count it to 1 (one) again and to say Happy Anniversary seemed odd. :) I grateful for every differences that even devastated me we can still together until forever. Thank you husband for letting me be a wife who has a rock star attitude that like to hang out on T-shirt and jeans and sneakers instead of dress, compromise when we will have a child and anything that occur in our little world, giving me freedom to spend couple hundred thousands rupiah in books instead of clothes or shoes or bags, not pushing me to cook instead you cook for me, and all my too-broad open mind and all my harsh thought and all my harsh way to show love. Happy Wedding Anniversary, F! Your the best, always!

This is the way I like to celebrate moments, a single cake and a single candle *blow off*

Thank you for being the biggest part of my life. Family always comes first.

.Cheers.

A Short Escape: Bandung, Majalengka, Cirebon

How's your days? How's your weekend?

I hope you experienced a great days and wonderful weekend as I had. 

Last week I have a short visit to Bandung, Majalengka and Cirebon. I didn't plan to visit those 3 cities. I went to Bandung following my husband who had training there. While my husband do his work I do my own. Sightseeing.

Bandung.

I'm not typical Indonesian people who likes shopping. I usually do online searching for must-visit place in Bandung. This is not my first time in Bandung, I've been there couple of times in my younger age. Actually Bandung have a lot of attractions such us Mount Tangkuban Perahu, White Crater, Art Deco, Museum, Tea Plantation and on. Things that attract foreign tourist more. But among Indonesian people, Bandung is shopping and eating heaven. Well that's kinda boring for me. Since last week I only have limited time and space to go around Bandung, I decided to have a walk to some place and end up eating in Hummingbird Eatery&Guesthouse. I went there after drooling seeing the beautiful landscape in their website, beside I never went to Progo area. 

So I start my journey by using public transportation, it's not easy though but challenging. It takes around 30 min from Jl. Setiabudi to Jl. Progo but I get lost so I took around 1 hour and also because I walk quite a lot which I like. I depend on my GPS rather than asking people around. But I think that's very interesting. Finally, I arrived in Hummingbird Eatery but hardly find their sign because it's very full and crowded, that time already 3PM yet I still get on their waiting list. They divided into smoking and non-smoking area. I ended up in smoking area as they suggest me too, not to full. They have various kind of food from Indonesian to Western food. I ordered Lasagna and Pandan Tea. I was about to enjoy their place where there's a bunch of younger people who talk and laugh extremely loud. I hope they can maintain their atmosphere. As for their food is 7.5 out of 10.

on my way to Bandung

I get lost on my way to Jl. Progo

Gedung Sate

Arrived @ Hummingbird Eatery

Menu

My second lunch :p

If you someone who dislike shopping like I did, don't go to Bandung on weekend. It's traffic especially at night but you still can stop here for some beautiful scenery and never ending art deco. 

Majalengka.

Don't expect me to explain a lot about this city as this is the first time I went here. I spent a night in Majalengka, 3 hours away from Bandung via Jatinangor. Unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to explore more about Majalengka. Majalengka know for their tea plantation, mountain, water fall, lake, and on. In the morning I visit local people and enjoying some of their traditional food. SURABI!!! I love surabi, surabi I ate that time was't using any sauce (usually sweet coconut milk). A more traditional surabi, surabi or serabi or rice pancake itself is mixed of coconut milk and flour with a little bit of salt and sugar bake in clay pan and firewood. The taste is savory. For more recipe click here.

The lady who sell the surabi

A Human-Kiddie Ride

Cheap.. cheap.. Ice

Cirebon.

After Majalengka, I decided to go back to Jakarta using train via Cirebon. 45 minutes away from Majalengka. Been longing to this city a long time a go. This short visit filled me. There's a lot to do in Cirebon, well known for their palace and Mega Mendung batik but I missed to visit trusmi, Cirebon batik place. Since Cirebon is near beach no wonder it's extremely HOT!!! For more information about Cirebon. Even though I did spend a little time in Cirebon I feel very happy to come back to this city and eat Empal Gentong-their signature dish beside Tahu Gejrot and Nasi Jamblang. My journey come to end while waiting Cirebon Express that gonna take me back to Jakarta. Cost IDR 105.000 and take exactly 3 hours my ride full of beautiful paddy field scenery. Lovely.

Cirebon Station

Cirebon Express

Heading Jakarta

Paddy Field

Sunset

So how's your weekend? Do you want to have another short visit with me? Lemme know.


.Cheers.

My Eat-Pray-Love

Greetings.

This year is my year. Been planning to spend my entire year for traveling and it turned out good. Remember Eat Pray Love, a journey in finding passion for food, God and love. That's exactly what I am coincidentally doing. So far I did my Pray and Love journey and leave my Eat journey.

Eat~Italy? I always love Italy even before Eat Pray Love movie. Italy is a magical place that inviting me to come ever since. My husband love pasta and I love pizza so definitely Italy is a good choice but I don't know when will I visit Italy.

My Pray journey. In the movie it's India, but mine is in Mecca, Saudi Arabia. I posted it before when I went home. My Pray journey more to convince my self through what I've learnt in Mecca and Medina. Satisfying my thirst of knowing about Islam and being a moslem. Alhamdulillah the journey give me a very enormous impact.

My Love journey. I found my love in my husband. Last week we visited Bali and I understand why so many people wants to go to Bali. Me too want to stay in Bali. I asked my husband to move to Bali *hoping* or any city with a lot of peacefulness which I am craving.

So how about you? Where have you been for traveling?


.Cheers.

Went Home.

It's been a while since the last time I posted a post. Sorry, been enjoying marriage life.

I thank Allah SWT for giving me and my husband such a bless. I went home couple weeks a go. To a place where I set my heart on. To Medina. To Mecca. To where what I have in me since I was born and what I believe about life. To where my Prophet comes from.

It was a big journey. With a lot of breathtaking moment full of tears, smile and deep grateful.

I still haven't use my head-dress (read:veil) yet but surely the journey gave me an enormous impact in my daily life afterwards. I want to come back again next time. I will. and it will a little bit longer.

I'll leave you with some beautiful picture from a beautiful place.

From Jeddah to Medina

Nabawi Mosque

Quba Mosque

Bir Ali

Cheers,

Fina

Birthday In Silent

 Happy Birthday to Me.....

Yes, I just had my turning year to 26. It's a quiet birthday. I received minor birthday greetings this year. Yey! Actually, it's been my obsession to celebrate birthday as quiet as possible.  Around 20 people who remember my birthday since I posted my birthday on my private facebook.

People may questioning why I expect such thing. Though I love childish things (imo: birthday celebration and gift) I more love to know some people really remember my birthday even if I don't post it in facebook that will make an automatic reminder to them.

What did I do on my birthday this year? Nothing. I woke up in the morning with morning rush and go to work. After work I went home and sleep. Decent.

Usually I have my yearly reflection but not this year and not this birthday. I don't know why. But I guess I become more and more grateful yet I don't have expectations for this year yet. Hope to find one.

Btw, thank you for those who remember my birthday. Thank you for being in my inner circle. I will always remember you. Always.


To a life I treasure deeply: I love you. MY life been very wonderful.


.Cheers.

Mom

She's always there

Saya ga pernah berpikir akan kehilangan ibu di usia muda. Usia dimana calon-calon pemberontakan masa muda sedang menanamkan benihnya. Jadi bisa dibayangkan apa yang mungkin saya lalui.

Tujuh tahun waktu yang panjang sampai akhirnya saya mengerti arti kematian. Kematian ibu saya. Kenapa akhirnya mengerti? Waktu yang membuat saya mengerti bahwa kematian adalah hal yang pasti. Pasti pula untuk di ikhlasi. 

Sebulan sudah sejak saya menikah dan masih kental di benak saya bahwa gambaran ibu saya tetap ada di bara dada kerabat. Selalu akan ada air mata setiap kali mengingatnya tapi waktu itu saya sudah kuras habis air mata. Mama tidak akan jadi alasan bagi saya untuk menangisi pernikahan yang tidak sempat mama saksikan. Tapi saya salah.

Hari saya menikah, saya awalnya tidak menangis karena mama saya tapi saya menangis terharu mengingat dosa saya pada bapak saya saat saya meminta izin menikah. Tapi ternyata keharuan yang ada membuat mereka yang hadir turut mengurai air mata. Saya yakin setiap ibu adalah pribadi yang baik begitu juga dengan mama saya. She's a very kind personal. Saya rasa mama adalah alasan setiap mereka yang datang dan lihat saya menikah menjadi menangis. Masih ingat betul diingatan saya mereka-mereka yang mengurai air mata dan semburat-semburat ketidakpercayaan.

Setiap anak akan mengagungkan orang tua terutama ibu, ibu, dan ibu. Bagi mereka yang ibu nya masih hidup sangat beruntung masih bisa membagi momen kehidupan dengan orang tercinta. Bagi saya, ketidakhadiran mama secara fisik menyuarakan rasa syukur yang luar biasa. Saya bersyukur Allah SWT ambil mama di waktunya. Saya bersyukur diperlihatkan dengan jelas hasil kebaikan-kebaikan yang mama tinggalkan. Saya bersyukur mama masih hidup dengan jelas di hati, pikiran dan perasaan orang tuanya, kakak adiknya, sahabat-sahabatnya dan anak-anaknya.

Saya bersyukur mama meninggal meninggalkan senyum dan hati yang baik bagi orang-orang terdekatnya sehingga anak-anaknya masih dengan jelas merasakan cinta yang ada karena mama. 

You're the best. We'll see you soon.

Love,

Fina

안녕!

 안녕!

Good bye single life. 3 days before my wedding day. 

This week I can say a week where I feel so much comfortable with my life. A week to enjoy my last single life. I cry. I laugh. I smile. I love. 

I'd love to share but no matter how many people I talk to won't enough. I do a lot of self-reflection. A lot more than I used to have. Since I am not a good speaker, I'll just write.

I'm going to live in a new room of mine that I never thought it'll come fast. My own room, my own family. Thus, I thank Allah SWT for everything in my life, everything. I thank my mom for leaving me in a such early way though I most of the time missing you like crazy, hoping you're gonna awake, craving for your food and your hug I never had. I thank dad for your pluses and minuses to raise me in a condition without a mom which I realize that must be the hardest thing to do after mom passed away. I wish you to know more about me. I thank my brothers for their great presence, they're my only reason for living. I'll miss to play, being goofy, to take a little care of you every time I go home. Even last night I cried every time I imagined I couldn't do such things, kill the mosquitoes to make sure you sleep well, put up your blanket, close your window, turn off your computer, and other small things. I'm sorry for not being able to be such a good role model for you, I'll become a more mature and understanding sister. I thank my aunts from my mom's side for taking a very good care of me, filling up an empty room in my life and being such a wonderful substitute mother for me. I pray the best for you and your family and always blessed. I thank my cousins for living up my life and accompany me in my up and down moment. I thank a lot for my best friends for being such a wonderful best-friend who accept the 'real' me and never judge me wrong. The last, I thank my husband-to-be for knowing me from A to Z. Accept the 'REAL' me in every condition. We'll leave healthy and happy now and after. For my future family, please treat me well. Saranghae <3<3<3 

Many love,

Fina

I wish that people know more about me. But we'll see where life gonna take me. Despite every pain I had, I'm so much grateful with my life. I'm going to be a more mature human. Thank you.

Melihat Ibu dari Seorang Piatu

Melihat dunia dari seorang piatu.

Ini hidup dari sudut pandang saya. Saya sudah sampai di titik kehidupan dimana orang datang dan pergi: Hidup dan mati itu pasti. Ibu adalah Ibu. Ibu yang disebutkan 3 kali lebih banyak dari Bapak. Ibu yang bagi kebanyakan orang jadi pusat gravitasi. Apa jadinya kita tanpa pusat gravitasi?

Pernahkah membayangkan hidup tanpa ibu? Sekali-kali bayangkan lah.

Bertemu dengan cerita para anak tentang ibunya seringkali (sekarang) tidak membuat saya iri. Anak yang hidup menanggung beban psikologis orang tua hasil dari gaya hidup masa lalu. Anak yang hidup merantau jauh tanpa teman dalam kesusahan yang terhalang oleh nominal uang. Anak yang dibesarkan atas kasih sayang pembantu dan supir yang ibu nya asik cekakak cekikik dengan sahabatnya. Anak yang ibunya jadi tameng hidup atas segala persoalan yang disebabkan anaknya. Anak yang dilimpahkan kasih sayang yang tidak menjerumuskan nya menjadi anak yang manja. Saya sangat menikmati melihat kasih sayang ibu dan anak, menjadikannya contoh kehidupan yang membuat saya banyak belajar.

Saya punya ibu. Tentu. Hanya saja waktunya melimpahkan cintanya pada anak-anaknya usai lebih dulu. Pasti ada masa dimana saya terpuruk dan kehilangan. Tak ada yang disesali justru ada banyak yang saya syukuri sekarang ini.

Saat banyak ibu yang pusing memikirkan anaknya naik kelas atau tidak, masuk sekolah unggulan atau tidak, ibu ku tidak perlu merasakan itu lagi.

Saat banyak ibu yang menjadi tempat mendengar keluhan-keluhan tentang ke labilan anak-anak mereka, ibu ku tidak perlu mendengar hal-hal itu.

Saat banyak ibu yang bangga saat anak nya wisuda dan menikmati gaji pertama mereka, aku justru dengan bangga bilang "Mah, aku lulus"

Saat banyak ibu berselisih pendapat dengan anaknya saat mengurus pernikahan, ibu ku tidak perlu seperti itu dengan ku.

Saat banyak anak meminta kekurangan uang untuk makan dan senang-senang kepada ibu mereka, aku cukup bersenang-senang dengan uang hasil keringatku.

Saat banyak anak yang lebih memilih makan diluar daripada makan masakan ibu dirumah, ibu ku tidak perlu masak.

Saat banyak anak yang lebih memilih bermain bersama teman-temannya dan kesepian dirumah, ibu ku tidak perlu jadi penunggu rumah

Saat banyak ibu shopping dengan anaknya, ibu ku tidak harus shopping dengan ku. Aku tidak suka belanja.

Saat banyak ibu yang harus banyak mengelus dada saat meminta tolong anaknya melakukan sesuatu, ibu ku tidak. 

Saat banyak anak mencari ibu untuk membantu menyelesaikan masalah.You know who I have.

Saat banyak ibu menjadi tempat sharing bagi sang anak. You know to whom I share.

Sekarang saat muda kebanyakan dari kita akan merasakan kasih sayang Ibu yang luar biasa. Bagi seorang ibu, anak adalah titipan Allah yang luar biasa. Banyak hal yang beliau lakukan untuk kebahagiaan sang anak. Bagi saya (seorang anak), ibu juga sesuatu yang luar biasa dari Allah. Banyak hal yang akan saya lakukan untuk kebahagiaan ibu. Masa ibu saya menunjukkan rasa cintanya memang usai lebih awal justru masa saya menunjukkan rasa cinta lebih dalam lebih awal. 

Seringkali saat kita muda, kita terlalu asik dengan pergaulan dan kehidupan kita. Seringkali kita lupa menunjukkan hal terbaik bagi ibu, dan mulai menyadari betapa berat perjuangan ibu saat kita mulai menjadi ibu. Seringkali kita lupa untuk mengkhawatirkan ibu lebih banyak dari ibu mengkhawatirkan kita. Ibu yang disebut 3 kali. Ibu. Ibu. Ibu.

"No matter how bad your mom treated you. Love her as much as she hurt you. Even better if your mom is a kind one."

Saya menjadi mencintai Allah lebih banyak. Bahkan lebih banyak lagi saat berterima kasih Allah mengambilnya diusia 38 tahun. Thank Allah, she's a kind mom.

I love you

-fina-

Single and Happy

Yep..yep.. I am on fire of writing and my topic is again L.O.V.E..hahhahha...

I think it's my medicine to revive from heart break. 

You know what. I am sorry to hurt the one I love. I am sorry to put you in such a pain. I do lost my self and push away all people around because I need to clear my thought. This is something I don't want to also. But God has direct authority to play with my life, my thought and my feeling.  I can't control it.

But not all people will really understand what I am trying to through. I still thank God, God left me with such wonderful friends-those whose not pushing me back but waiting in my line. I want to strengthen my faith. My faith of owning my man. I have seen too many divorced, unwanted man, unprepared man and woman. So yeah it scared me.

My ex, once he had said that I looked happier when I am single. And today I do really happy with myself. I'm happy with my tan skin and everything I have in my life. I don't know why, and this is not because my man is bad or what but I guess I need more spare in my life that I can love my self more than anybody else. 

If you guys love me, let me happy and wait for me.

Cheers,

Aquarian Girl

Grateful

I should be grateful..

GOD gives me such a wonderful life with its pain and victory, incredible family (mom,dad,brothers), other family, sweet friends, substitutes parents, foster brother and sister, nice working place and so forth.

I should be grateful, shouldn't I?

I must, mustn't I?

Being able to deep-breath in such polluted air in infinite fresh air and to walk on foot across the road full magnificent car and its driver every day, I should be grateful.

Living in this world and become an inspiration to my closest people is such a bless. Being able to complement one and another with my ability to speak harshly and even smoothly is such a wonderful things to do.

Even though in some time I prefer to be solid and solitude, there still part I prefer to be chewy and heavy. I am a human no longer a beast without aim. I am unfathomable human being with uncertain future. The only certain thing is an uncertain future. I am so excited how God will take me in the future. I am more excited how where and when I take the future.

So stop bitching yourself if you find you're stuck in a moment where you want to slap your colleague, or screaming in your senior's faces, or begging to your boss to raise your salary or what ever.

Stop grumbling yourself whether you want everyone nice to you or not, or you wish to have double-digit salary in a wink, or expecting more while you struggle less.

Stop proscribing yourself from being a happy individual, or a magnificent personal, or a high-powered person. 

Where ever you are if you're unchanged your bitching habit it'll remain the same.

Please find things to be altered in yourself into something remarkable and then please accept something that you already choose like it should.

Kala Semua Berbatas

KALA SEMUANYA TERBATAS KECUALI KESABARAN

dan ya saya belajar banyak tentang kesabaran
karena dengan belajar tentangnya membuat saya belajar tentangmu

tentangmu yang ......

belum mau mengakui hubungan ini

lebih memilih ketemu pacarmu padahal kamu sudah janjian dengan saya dan saya sudah tiba ditempat kita berjanji

menggantung aku tanpa ada tanda jasa

memberikan ketidaknyamanan ketika saya butuh tempat berteduh

memuntahkan makian sepulang kerja hanya karena kamu tau saya tidak mau belajar

membangkitkan ketakutanku hanya dengan melihat atau mungkin membayangkan sosokmu

menganggap janjimu kepada ku tidak lebih penting dari pergi berkarokean dengan teman-temanmu 

belum bisa menegakkan siapa dirimu dikeramaian

tetap asyik main ps saat aku bicara

menelponku saat kamu butuh 

menemuiku saat semua teman-temanmu ridak ada yang bisa diajak pergi

seenaknya membatalkan acara padahal aku sudah siap-siap 

tentangmu yang banyak itu membuat saya malas menulis atau menjabarkannya satu-satu karena saya tau ga akan pernah cukup lembaran-lembaran buku atau halaman-halaman blog saya

tapi yang pasti saya bersyukur dan menikmati perihnya kesabaran dan selalu berpikir bahwa saya sudah sabar padahal sabar itu bukan milik saya tapi milik Tuhan saya, Allah SWT., karena Dia bisa membuat saya sabar meskipun pada saat saya merasa sudah tidak sanggup lagi bersabar.

dan ya saya belajar banyak tentang kesabaran

karena dengan belajar tentangnya membuat saya belajar tentangmu

tentang kamu...tentang kamu pacar...tentang kamu teman...tentang kamu saudara..tentang SAYA!

dan mari bersama-sama kita belajar tentang kesabaran

karena saya juga belum ahli dalam bersabar

Terima kasih

Salam Cinta *kiss