Sometimes I Just Want To Cry but Can Not

Ga bikin habit buat cerita kesusahan-kesusahan yang lagi di alamin kecuali ke suami sendiri.

Punya rumah sendiri artinya punya pe-er sendiri yang bikin kayaknya rumah ga ada abis-abisnya. Yang bocor lah yang kemaren listriknya koslet lah yang garasi musti diganti lah atapnya never-ending. Pengennya ya punya rumah yang kayak keluar langsung dari majalah apadaya rezekinya adanya yang begini. Alhamdulillah.

Permasalahan stay-at-home apalagi si klo ga cepet jenuh banget sama rutinitas dirumah. Even buat orang yang sukanya dirumah kayak saya. Rutinitas yang itu-itu aja plus pe-er rumah sama kenyataan yang ga sesuai itu bikin stress.

Makanya suka seneng banget klo suami ngajak jalan2 walaupun ujung2nya ga enak krn mau ga mau harus ngeluarin duit padahal kebutuhan masih banyak.

Kadang pengen marah si sama ada deeeh hahahha tapi ga akan mecahin masalah yang ada bikin tambah sakit hati. Belum lagi kalo ikut suami jalan-jalan tetep ada suara sumbang yang bilang "ngapain jalan2 terus jagain rumah donk" padahal yak yang suruh ikut suami gitu loh. Makin kesini makin diliatin kalo manusia itu ga ada puasnya. Apalagi soal materi. Walaupun nyatanya ga mudah tapi harus tetep bersyukur apapun itu.

Pengen kerja lagi pengen bisa punya uang sendiri bisa beli ini itu. Tapi kalo inget harus ninggalin anak kayaknya ga deh ya. Karena saya ngerasa saya cari uang bukan yang butuh banget tapi buat ada ajah. Ga worth it aja. Belum ribetnya nitipin anak dan harus jelasin ini itu kenapa kerja lagi.

Ntah lah lagi ada di posisi yg kurang enak buat lebih kuat. Mudah2an terus di beri kekuatan dan kesabaran dan rizki yang luar biasa.

.cheers.

Motherhood: "I am not that strong!"

Pictures from here

Menjadi ibu rumah tangga itu ga mudah sama ga mudahnya jadi ibu yang juga bekerja. Masing-masing punya kelebihan dan kekurangan masing-masing. Kali ini mau sharing rasanya jadi ibu rumah tangga full time.

Saya jadi ibu rumah tangga full time sejak hamil 3 bulan. Selama hamil belum ada dukanya diem di rumah seharian. Malah saya sangat menikmati di rumah. Walau sebenarnya saya bukan orang yang suka keluar rumah tanpa urusan yang jelas walau itu sekedar window-shopping. Tapi semenjak melahirkan dan punya anak menjadi ibu rumah tangga full time jadi momok tersendiri buat saya. ( serem ya bahasanya huhuhhuhu)

Masa lalu saya membuat saya biasa melakukan ini itu sendiri tanpa bantuan orang lain. Jadi jangan pernah berharap saya bakal minta tolong selama apa yang harus dikerjakan bisa saya kerjakan sendiri. Bapak saya mengajarkan saya hal-hal yang juga laki-laki kerjakan jadi jangan heran kalau saya bisa ganti ban mobil sendiri ya. Ada masanya suami keenakan karena sampe urusan mengangkat galon air saja saya lakukan sendiri. So kalo saya minta tolong artinya saya udah bener-bener ga bisa. Which is sebenernya ga bagus juga....

Kalau perempuan lain setelah melahirkan di manjakan dengan berbagai bantuan dari sana sini saya justru seminggu setelah melahirkan sudah jeger (kata yang liat ya bukan kata saya) walau sambil menahan perih sisa-sisa jahitan. Dua minggu setelah melahirkan saya sudah mencuci baju, masak, setrika dan bebersih rumah sendiri. Bangga? Ga juga biasa aja. Mungkin di mata orang saya bisa terlihat hebat atau bisa juga terlihat sok kuat. Either way I don't care. Cuma didikan bapak saya untuk jangan pernah menyusahkan orang itu lekat sekali.

Pagi ini tetangga sebelah bilang "neng, hebat ya kuat ngerjain semuanya sendiri. Nyuci, nyetrika, masak, bebersih rumah." Kalau udah seperti ini rasanya senang sekali bahwa ada orang yang perhatian dengan apa yang saya lakukan. Walaupun apa yang saya lakukan tadi bukan karena saya punya banyak pilihan justru karena saya tidak punya banyak pilihan. Hidup secukupnya dari single-income itu tricky jadi saya sudah tidak bisa itu hura hura belanja sana sini tanpa tujuan dan bahkan hire ART.

Jadi saya harus mengerjakan segala keperluan suami dan anak dan rumah sendiri tanpa melupakan keperluan untuk saya sendiri. Jujur buat saya tantangan menjadi ibu rumah tangga yang full time ada di rumah itu bukan terletak di bosan stay di rumah. Justru memenuhi kebutuhan suami anak rumah dan tentu saya sendiri.

Adakalanya saya malas sekali lihat tumpukan cucian yang harus di cuci dan di setrika atau tumpukan cucian piring dan segala peralatan masak belum lagi si kecil yang sedang senang sekali mengeksplor segala barang di penjuru rumah. Atau si kecil yang sedang berenergi mengajak main atau saat si kecil tanpa henti menangis saat sakit. Saat-saat seperti itu rasanya saya cuma mau duduk diem pasang musik keras-keras lalu nangis tanpa ingat apa-apa. Tapi tetap saja ada anak kecil lucu itu yang saya ingat saat saya mulai menutup diri dan mengatur emosi. Itulah ya yang namanya ibadah. Buat saya lupa sama semuanya. Buat saya lebih ikhlas dan ikhlas lagi.

Saya ga selalu kuat dan hebat koq. Ada masanya saya benar-benar merasa saya hampir gila. Gila karena saya tidak punya lagi yang namanya me-time. Tapi saya coba untuk terus ambil napas panjang lalu hembuskan pelan-pelan lalu peluk anak kecil yang lucu lalu everything's all right.

.Cheers.

From Classic Music to Classic Rock!

If you follow my twitter you'll know that I was captivated by the sound of Cello a couple days ago and now I listen rock music.

My musical preference is varied from classical music to rock. You'll find it weird, I know. I like to be weird!

Gotta admit I listen different kind of music but classic music and rock are tie in my top list of music genre then the easy listening pop music. But there's one thing I don't like, I don't like any songs from my country. It doesn't mean I hate it, I just don't find it good to listen, though there's still singer (more because of their voice) I fall for their love, Afgan is one of them.

Among any instruments, I have my heart on piano, guitar and now I am captivated by the sound of cello. 

I love this Cello Bach. I like the modern-sound and the very-classical one too :)

Ouuuggghhh Bach - Cello Suite No.1 i-Prelude really make me fly... It's very beautiful. I really never thought Cello could sound so beautiful....

I used to listen to Richard Clayderman when I was a kid and Maxim when I was a teenager so don't get yourself confuse. My dad has his own way to wake his children up in the morning by volume-ing up music so we would at least bother by the sound of it but sorry dad it doesn't work :)

But rock music help me with all my insecurities when I grew up from a teenager to young-adult and even until now I still listening to rock music. Basically I didn't it's rock or alternative or whatever but I listen people in band with great music, loud rhythm, and angelic voice from metal to alternative to classic rock to what ever. But my all-time favorite is Saosin and Paramore, just don't ask me how many times I listened to their music. Countless!

Just yesterday I run into this rock band - The Pretty Reckless - the one with Taylor Momsen. I doubt her, at first, but then I was blown away with her voice. Boom! a 17 year-old girl could sing like a rocker and look like a hooker at the same time. The way she used clothes remind you of Marie Currie but whatever I listened to good music and great vocal.  

 

She's pretty brave but I gotta admit she's one amazing supermodel-body rockstar-attitude singer which you know what I hope for, right? If life is wild then I might become bff with Taymom.

Good Friday, everyone!

.Cheers.   

Silent Wrath

Dull Wednesday,

My emotion been riding roller coaster past few day, jolting from one thing that pissed me off to another. I always believe that patience has no limit. Everytime we think we are patient enough life will teach us another higher limit of patience. That's what I exactly I've been trained from time to time. It's perplexing for people I guess but I am someone very patient and yet very impatient. When there's a lot of things that test my patient, you don't see my anger as I keep it in silent wrath. 

 

First. Late arrival of my ring order. It supposed to take 7-10 days for custom order until delivered to me, but apparently it took 18 days and without any notice from the seller about my order and I can't contact them either. Just yesterday I had the call telling me that their internal system is broke down and all the data is all lost. They asked me for my detailed order then they'll check if my order is considered done. It is, thankfully. I just need to wait couple more days until it arrived.

Second. I met this man in a prayer room twice at that day. I met him couple of times before because we are in the same building. I am not typical who likes to go in a pack in everything, mostly I like being alone and thus give man a bigger chance to approach me most of the times for small talks. But I don't do talks especially to strangers. Later then, he asked me a phone number and a blackberry PIN which I don't bring any gadget that day. He insisted to ask a phone number, so for the sake of friendly personality I gave him my number. He text his blackberry PIN and asked me to add his, I did so. The annoying part was begin, he started to ask whether I already went home or not, I am not someone who hang around my gadget all the time so I didn't reply him and cause him PING! me all the time. Note: I hate people who chat through bbm with PING! unless it's my boss and my family for urgent matter or for bad-signal sake. I finally get it that he's trying to flirt and yet I hate it with the PING! PING! PING! bbm because I didn't reply his bbm. I have an advice for men or women who want to approach for new people, see their right or left finger, OBSERVE if she or he is wearing a WEDDING RING. That's how foreign people-and I-usually do in order to know our place. Telling him I am married is easy but I don't like the idea of how he annoyed me to the place I'd do the same. I am not a good speaker so once people annoyed me, it's not gonna nice what I they might to hear, so most of the times I keep in silent but yet make a necessary action by removing his contact from my bbm list. I did remove some people from my friend list if they have annoying traits.

Third. The things that test my patient the most is I got my other blog SUSPENDED! in violation on terms and services. I was in a very good mood and happy because November is National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo) so I made my self at least one post a day in my other blog. I have myself in passion in writing, some of them are even have theme that encourage me and push me to write something new. I wrote about Paradise-Bali and put some links that have direct access to Bali tourism, apparently I think one of the links I put make me through the Terms and Services violation. It shocked me. Make me pale and angry. I supposed to follow my heart to write about something else, but I insisted. I asked for help to the customer service to help me get my blog back but until today they didn't give me the answer for at least ease my mind. I need my blog back :(

Fourth. I hate it when it come to deal with credit division from bank. They made no clear things to do or to sign and made me to work twice or three times at that. I hate it every time from their side telling the sooner the better. Yet you gave so fucking mislead information. I experienced it with couple banks but this really cost me a lot.

There's the fifth and sixth and seventh and eighth I've been dealing with things that cost me patience. I don't know. Grumbling around and spit it out to other people won't change anything in me but at least writing will. Writing is my therapy. 

.Cheers.

Saya

Saya bosan seperti ini
Saya bosan harus merasa kawatir setiap hari
Saya tidak mengerti saat kamu bilang saya sudah bahagia lebih banyak dari saya yang sedih
Saya bingung menerka-nerka seolah-olah saya berteman hidup dengan seseorang yang bukan manusia
Saya gamang ketika harus menyaksikan raut mukamu yang tanpa makna tanpa rasa tanpa duka tanpa suka
Saya...