Be Humble

Seringkali dikeseharian itu ada aja ketemu orang yang sombong. Entah karena merasa kaya punya rumah lebih dari 1, kendaraan lebih dari 1, emas batangan lebih dari 1, jabatan tinggi, kenal orang2 berkedudukan dan sebagainya. Kadang cuma mau nanya "misiii,, emang semunya punya anda?'' kalo bukan dan semua cuma pinjaman dari Allah SWT terus yang disombongin itu apa. You are nothing. I am nothing. We are nothing. Nabi Muhammad SAW aja yang udah dijamin sama Allah SWT pasti masuk surga aja masih rajin ibadahnya rajin doanya. Nah kita itu siapaaaaa??? Terus klo masih sombong koq ya kebangetan banget gitu.

Teman Tapi...

Di Instagram ada salah satu sosok yang saya follow karena seringkali tulisan-tulisan sederhananya menohok dan bikin saya banyak refleksi. Tulisan-tulisannya beragam tapi belakangan lagi sering menggaris bawahi tentang hubungan laki-laki dan perempuan yang sudah memiliki pasangan (menikah ya bukan pacaran) 

Kali ini saya mau nulis tentang ini dulu ya. Betapa ternyata tulisan-tulisan yang bersinggungan dengan 'selingkuh' jadi suara bagi sebagian banyak perempuan. Perempuan-perempuan yang di hidupnya tidak berani bersuara atau yang suaranya tidak didengar. Cukup screenshot dan kirim ke pasangan supaya jadi bahan renungan baginya. Syukur-syukur sadar dan taubat tapi ya ada juga yang tancap gas saja tidak peduli. 

Jaman sekarang mungkin sudah beda ya. Dulu selingkuh itu harus bertemu fisik dulu baru bisa dikatakan selingkuh tapi jaman sekarang dengan kemajuan teknologi selingkuh ga melulu harus berupa fisik. Tapi justru yang lebih berbahaya lagi selingkuh hati. Dari awal chat/sms/wa membicarakan hal-hal ringan seringnya bagi yang bekerja satu kantor beralasan ngobrolin kerjaan lalu lama kelamaan mulai membicarakan rumah tangga masing2. Mulai dari "gimana anak" sampai keluhan "suami/istri pulangnya malem". Rongga-rongga kesepian di rumah tangga yang satu diceritakan ke yang lain berharap yang lain ini bisa mengisi kesepian yang harusnya jadi tanggung jawab pasangannya sendiri untuk isi tapi karena malaas mungkin ya jd lebih mudah ke orang lain. Lalu mulai telp/sms/wa yang bernafas perhatian "lagi dimana?" "Sudah pulang?" "Pulang jam berapa tadi?" "Sukses ya kerjanya" lalu seperti ada yang kurang klo ga dapet kabarnya. Lalu mulai "pulang bareng yuk" "makan malem yuk" dan seterusnya sampai mana? Ga tau lah tergantung keimanan masing-masing aja. 

Kalau sudah gitu yang salah siapa? Ya dua-duanya kan ya. Walau dengan dalih "ga ada apa2 koq" tapi jauh di lubuk hati pasti tau kan klo yang udah dilakuin itu salah kalo ga kan ya ga mungkin umpet2an ya 😁. Atau dengan dalih "kan dia yang buka kesempatan duluan" ya ada kesempatan atau ga ada kesempatan yang waras dan menghargai pernikahan dan pasangannya mau ditaruh didepan mata juga tidak akan tergoda. Cobalah inget pasangan yang menemani dari awal dan anak yang menunggu dirumah. Tapi mungkin kalau temenan sama setan berbuat salah ya asik-asik aja. Justru selingkuh karena haram jadi enak ya. 

Saya doakan yang suka hai sana sini sama pasangan orang supaya inget pasangannya sendiri. Kalau pernikahannya gersang yang disiram ya pasangannya sendiri jangan pasangan orang. 

Nulis ini berangkat dari makin merajalelanya valakor valakor ga tau diri 😂 dan mendengar cerita embak-embak yang ngajakin pulang malem suami orang, terus dinner ke Cibubur Kunction ampe jalan-jalan ke mall sampe mallnya tutup padahal istri suaminya lagi nunggu dirumah padahal suaminya sendiri lagi kerja banting tulang. Mudah2an dapet hidayah ya sesembak. 

Me In Hijab

picture from here

After all the ups and downs. After all the silly questions to help me brace the decision. After a 3-long years I finally decided myself to wear a hijab. 

It's been years full of sign and my anxiousness of all the ridiculous fear but I am glad I was there in the end. If anything I would make a habit to wear a hijab as early as possible if I have a daughter. If anything I was mad to my parents that they did not teach me to wear one from the beginning. So that I have to have this struggle. So that I have to re-boot my mind of how I see beauty. Islam is a beauty and all the clause in it is beauty. So wear a hijab is a beauty.

"O you Children of Adam! We have bestowed on you raiment to cover your shame as well as to be an adornment to you. But the raiment of righteousness, that is the best. Such are among the Signs of Allah, that they may receive admonition.” (Quran 7:26)“

And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what must ordinarily appear therof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands, their fathers, their husbands' fathers, their sons, their husbands' sons, their brothers, or their brothers' sons or their sisters' sons, or their women or the servants whom their right hands possess, or male servants free of physical needs, or small children who have no sense of the shame of sex, and that they should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments. And O you Believers, turn you all together towards Allah, that you may attain Bliss.” (Quran 24:31).

“O Prophet, tell your wives and your daughters and the women of the believers to draw their cloaks close round them (when they go abroad). That will be better, so that they may be recognised and not annoyed. Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.” (Quran 33:59). (from here)

I am in no place to judge others so you don't have to make excuses in your heart to make what you did is okay (If you are not wearing a hijab). But I remember once I was ashamed and cried because I am Islam and still not wearing a hijab. Today I may not in a phase where I start wearing a long abaya but I start with lose clothes and I hope someday I will be there. I realized that still learning a lot of thing and I hope someday I will be a Muslim as a whole and die in Islam as a whole.

Disconnect to Reconnect

picture from here

 Coming from a big family that loooove to have gathering so much make me feel so much enjoyment, comfort and at ease even for someone introvert like me. I used to sulk if my dad decided to spend time at home only on Eid day instead of going house by house of my relatives. Growing up lacking of love always made me try to find love by having connection with people either family or friends. And I'll always be that kind of person that will make more effort to connect with someone till this day. But since 5 years ago, the moment where I actually accept myself and able to love myself, I become more selective on having a relationship with both family or friends.

For me, a relationship is a TWO WAY process. For both relationship with family or friends. A relationship require efforts from both sides. And I learned the hard way about one way relationship. So It's been years that I finally able to have a TWO WAY relationship and I intended to savor that relationship. I never cut-off a relationship but it just vanished the moment I no longer put effort to it. Does it hurt? Like hell. At first, I was appalled that the reason I lost a relationship are because of money, because of marriage, because of a man, because of a woman. But then I realized their worth of my time and no they are not worth it. So I just didn't have to put so much effort anymore. I no longer need pile of relationship just so that I am loved. And I am happy with that because I love myself more.

But this year I have a lot of talks with my husband and how his circle of relationship are much worse than me so we decided to RECONNECT with people. Both family and friends. To me, some are an unsolved case but most of all I want to reconnect because Allah SWT. Because what we called hablumminannas (human relationships with other humans). Through this reconnecting I hope to make more  A NEW BEGINNING and find a lot of closure that I might need and RE-START again.

  

.Cheers.

Sometimes I Just Want To Cry but Can Not

Ga bikin habit buat cerita kesusahan-kesusahan yang lagi di alamin kecuali ke suami sendiri.

Punya rumah sendiri artinya punya pe-er sendiri yang bikin kayaknya rumah ga ada abis-abisnya. Yang bocor lah yang kemaren listriknya koslet lah yang garasi musti diganti lah atapnya never-ending. Pengennya ya punya rumah yang kayak keluar langsung dari majalah apadaya rezekinya adanya yang begini. Alhamdulillah.

Permasalahan stay-at-home apalagi si klo ga cepet jenuh banget sama rutinitas dirumah. Even buat orang yang sukanya dirumah kayak saya. Rutinitas yang itu-itu aja plus pe-er rumah sama kenyataan yang ga sesuai itu bikin stress.

Makanya suka seneng banget klo suami ngajak jalan2 walaupun ujung2nya ga enak krn mau ga mau harus ngeluarin duit padahal kebutuhan masih banyak.

Kadang pengen marah si sama ada deeeh hahahha tapi ga akan mecahin masalah yang ada bikin tambah sakit hati. Belum lagi kalo ikut suami jalan-jalan tetep ada suara sumbang yang bilang "ngapain jalan2 terus jagain rumah donk" padahal yak yang suruh ikut suami gitu loh. Makin kesini makin diliatin kalo manusia itu ga ada puasnya. Apalagi soal materi. Walaupun nyatanya ga mudah tapi harus tetep bersyukur apapun itu.

Pengen kerja lagi pengen bisa punya uang sendiri bisa beli ini itu. Tapi kalo inget harus ninggalin anak kayaknya ga deh ya. Karena saya ngerasa saya cari uang bukan yang butuh banget tapi buat ada ajah. Ga worth it aja. Belum ribetnya nitipin anak dan harus jelasin ini itu kenapa kerja lagi.

Ntah lah lagi ada di posisi yg kurang enak buat lebih kuat. Mudah2an terus di beri kekuatan dan kesabaran dan rizki yang luar biasa.

.cheers.

Being Strong is The Only Way

Being strong is the only way for me TO SURVIVE.

Ditinggal mama diumur 14 tahun.
Ga punya figur perempuan dan laki-laki yang dekat di hati.
Bikin keputusan sendiri soal tinggal dimana masuk universitas apa masuk jurusan apa.
Hidup pas-pasan waktu kuliah demi bisa bebas merdeka.
Ketergantungan sama pacar.
Bikin banyak kesalahan karena semua keputusan atas dasar diri sendiri.
Ga bisa tanya ini itu soal pasangan hidup, jadi istri, membangun keluarga, punya anak.
Ga bisa mengeluh cape ngurus anak sama mama sendiri.
Ga bisa nitipin anak ke mama sendiri terus tetep kerja seperti yang lainnya.
Jadi stay-at-home mom yang kalo lagi jenuh rasanya luar biasa.
Terlalu super nge-handle semua pekerjaan rumah sampe angkat galon, maku dinding, ngurus ini itu yang harusnya yah jadi kerjaan laki-laki.
Harus mau ditinggal suami yang lebih seringnya di luar kota daripada di rumah.

Terus lagi harus denger ini itu dari orang yang ga pernah tau kehidupan lo itu rasanya pengen gw jitak.

Sometimes I hate my husband job that require him travelling more than at home.

Sometimes I hate the way my dad raised me to be able to do man's stuff. Even till this day. Beliau suka bilang "harus bisa. Ga boleh takut. Ga usah takut" wth!

Kadang mereka lupa saya perempuan yang pengen bisa manja-manja ke lelaki gitu loh. Makanya sueebelnya minta ampun liat perempuan yang dikit-dikit ngeluh muanja cantik. Kan ya masa setiap pekerjaan rumah yang harusnya dikerjain laki-laki baru bisa dikerjain kalo merekanya available. Bisa jamuran kalo gw.

Tapi gw sudah melewati masa-masa menyesal klo gw bikin banyak salah. Am only human afterall.

Tapi gw ga pernah menyesal atas pilihan2 hidup saat gw udah 'sadar'. Sedih kadang but am only human.

Be strong is the only way buat gw hidup dan bertahan hidup. Kalo ga gw udah dadah babay kali ya.

Tapi gw percaya being strong to survive with all the sacrifice that I've made in life cuma bisa dibayar sama Allah SWT.

Dan itu yang bikin gw tambah kuat.

.Cheers.

A Life You (Might) Never Know

I wasn't someone coming from money although some of my family did have money more than I can produce. Today was another day that remind me to always be grateful. So we, my husband-me-and-my kid, are on our way to the Mckids so that our kid can have sometime to play with people his age. Halfway through the destination rain came down pouring with no inclination to stop. We decided to stop and wait for the rain to stop. Because no way we went through the rain as my kid recently having HFMD and I was just visit the doctor. We didn't want to take a risk of soaking in a cold heavy rain.

We took a shade in front of one of the shop and being hungry that we are. We decided to eat right there in the cold hard floor of a closed shop while ordering meatball soup. Some people that we know might take pity on us but to me this kind of hardship remind me to always grateful and humble. Never once in my life that I feel ashamed of what we've been through as a family. Problem is we never let people even our own family knows our hardship.

We as a human really want to give their best to our loved ones. Hence, me being a parents make me want to give my best to the kiddo. We able to provide a decent shelter that in the process put me in a lot of stress, you are lucky if your parents could provide you some financial assistance, but not me and my husband. We need to work our ass of and drain our entire saving to be able to buy our family a decent home. With me quit the job right at the moment I knew I was pregnant it brought us a new problem: how are we gonna survive with single income? We're hanging by a thin thread the moment we live by ourself but in return having a house giving you more freedom. Freedom to shape your own kid and your own family. And it didn't just stop there.

We have no car. If it's just me and my husband I really don't give a fuck to go to one destination to other by using my husband motorcycle. The 14-years-old motorcycle. That if you speed up through a bump one or another part of the motorcycle tore apart (you won't believe it but it's true). But that's the only transport we have. At first I'd had unshed tears everytime my kid was riding with us and there's just too much heat or (mostly) rain. And at night I'll cry myself while watching my kid for having to go through that condition but we as a parents have no choice. People could pity us or questioning us on why we couldn't afford a car. And that's the only thing they could do and sometimes I just wish they just shut up. You probably never know what it feel to not have an option. Truthfully we couldn't afford a car. And I didn't want we didn't have a car lead us to just stay at home. We've been through up and down in that motorcycle. We've had scattered our monthly groceries on the road because we didn't take into account how many groceries we're able to bring if we went on groceries. We've been through many cold heavy rain. We've been through the hottest weather. We've been through the happiest and saddest moment in that motorcycle with our kid sandwich between us. And in every trip we had I always pray that this struggle and sacrifice will make my kid grow in grateful and humble.

It has name. Thank you F  for accompanying us this whole time.

This might a little piece of struggle and sacrifice I want to share. Don't want your pity. Don't want anything in return because through this process I learn one thing: to never expect people acknowledgement just expect Allah SWT acknowledgement. But If you want to share yours maybe we can be a good friends. I love talking about what life give us.

picture from here

.Cheers.

When Life Hits You Hard

Kapan ya terakhir kali life hits me hard? Dulu mungkin sewaktu ibu saya pergi. Setelah itu memori yang saya punya hanya bertahan hidup, ga gila dan ga gantung diri sambil berusaha nemuin jati diri sendiri tanpa bantuan orang lain. Seringkali saya bersyukur bahwa saya ga gila, ga mati, ga nge-drugs dan ga rusak padahal saya punya hak buat jadi rusak. Bikin kesalahan? Buanyaaaak banget. Dari yang kecil sampe yang gede yang mayoritas orang lain ga tau how broken I am. Tapi semua itu ga bikin saya jadi lupa akar hidup saya. Agama. Walaupun banyak orang ga akan percaya tapi agama yang menyelamatkan saya dan ketakutan saya akan murka ayah saya.

Jadi jangan heran saya itu pemikir paraaaaah. Dari a sampe z dipikirin sampe keujung detil-detil kehidupan. Kehidupan orang lain buat saya ada lah pelajaran. Ambil yang baik dan ingat baik baik yang buruk supaya dikedepan hari saya ga gitu. Orang suka bilang saya stress tapi saya ga pernah ngerasa stress karena buat saya, berfikir adalah saya. Justru yang bikin stress saya bukan masalah saya sendiri atau orang lain justru karena orang. Interaksi sama orang yang sering bikin saya stress.

Karena manusia adalah makhluk paling sempurna oleh Sang Pencipta karena diberikan akal fikiran. Membuat saya seringkali berfikir sebelum melakukan sesuatu atau berbicara sesuatu. Termasuk memikirkan tentang apa yang telah terjadi di masa lalu, apa yang sedang dijalankan sekarang dan apa yang akan dilakukan nanti di masa depan.

.Cheers.

Being a Wife and Mom

I came across this article of Willow Smith ask her mother Jada Pinkett Smith on how hard is it being a wife and mom and make me thinking what I find in my 4 years becoming a wife and almost 2 year becoming a mom. Her answers makes me realize what I've been through and what's coming through.

Since I haven't had a little girl to ask me those kind of question or maybe never since I prefer son than daughter I'd like to see how am I gonna answer that. So here we come.

How hard is it being a wife and mom?

Ain't easy for sure but since I was the type of person who like to analyze everything puts me in advantage what to expect on being a wife and a mom even before I am one. It was hard at first for everything, being a wife and a mom, I cried a lot because I feel like I am alone which is true. Even though I went through a 9-years relationship with my husband and quite a lot know him didn't mean it was easy. A key to succesfull relationship is a communication. At that time even though we communicate it was not a communication that have a good result in the end. And it just wrong, imo. But those rocky road was our way to a more good communication. It took us 2 years of marriage to the place we are now. I could talk everything to him without being afraid if I am gonna hurt him or if it will made him angry and vice versa. But life itself was a rocky trip there will always a bump here and there.

To be truth I still can't believe if I am a mother. Having a kid not really on my life agenda there I said it. Simply because I didn't trust myself to be able to become one. But now I am a mother of one that change everything. It is true that once you have a kid your world changing. Most of your vocal point is your kid. The first year was the hardest, I think, because they depend a lot on me. And I believe that the second year and the years after that require different challange which is usually not easy. But there's million of mother in the world that knew how I feel. And therefore it gave me strength that I know I can do this. Love you kiddo.

So, what do you think? How hard is it being a wife and a mom for you?

.cheers.

Envy

 Yupe blabbing ga jelas dulu boleh kan ya. Today I wrote about envy. Envy of other people life. Seumur-umur walaupun suka lihat kehidupan orang lain yang lebih hijau dari saya ga pernah kepikiran sama sekali iri atau ada rasa iri walau sedikit. This might sound ridiculous but I envy my bestfriend life Edo that recently continue his study to Japan. He got scholarship from where he work. Adalah yang bikin iri dia bisa keluar negeri. Tinggal disana. Jauh dari kehidupan orang Indonesia yang kadang carut marut. Konyol emang kedengerannya dari sekian orang yang saya kenal saya cuma iri sama temen saya yang satu ini. Padahal banyak temen dan adik kelas saya yang lebih sering dan lebih lama sekolah ataupun kerja di luar negeri. I don't know but maybe because I really know him and how he struggle for it. I am proud but envy. 

Dari dulu saya selalu ingin keluar negeri. Tinggal dan besar dan ga pulang-pulang dimana saja selain Indonesia. Bukannya ga nasionalis tapi susah buat saya untuk tinggal disini. Mulai dari otoritas sampe hal orang Indonesia ga bisa buang sampah aja jadi masalah. I never feel like I belong here. I love walking yang ga mungkin banget bisa sering-sering di lakuin kalau musti balapan sama asap kendaraan. And the people, I think it's only me but I happen to meet people with narrow-minded one sedangkan saya sangat open-minded. Lots and lots things that make me never belong here. You will shock how open my mind is or to what extent my thought could wander. Tapi kenapa sih sampai sekarang saya ga pernah sekolah atau benar-benar tinggal di luar negeri. Saya pernah keluar negeri lho ya buat jalan-jalan aja. Jawabannya simpel sih ya saya merasa saya masih sangat dilindungi Allah SWT. Kenapa? Living overseas will make all my dark and dirty mind to happen. Pasti bingung kan pasti berandai-andai kan tapi justru cuma karena hal itu saya ga pernah berusaha tinggal di luar negeri. People get to live overseas because they have a purpose to do like maybe working studying and on well I on the other hand just want to have freedom. Freedom that I never get to have here.

Oooops, you got to know my dirty little secret. Nevermind. Well, If you like Japan or want to know how it feel to study in Japan you can check my buddy blog here http://nofriadiedo.blogspot.co.id/ and don't forget to say hi.

.Cheers.

Kurus vs Gemuk

"Lo koq kurus aja si?" Atau "Laki lo koq gemuk banget si?"

Pertanyaan yang sering banget diutarakan ke saya baik opini mengenai saya ataupun suami. Awalnya saya hanya menanggapi biasa saja tapi seringkali hal ini mengusik saya. Saya sempat berpikir apakah tidak ada hal lain yang lebih layak ditanyakan. Sepertinya memang tidak.

Buat saya mungkin ini "how the way we Indonesian talk or communicate" no offense ya dan tidak bermaksud mengeneralisasi tapi seringkali hal-hal yang berbau fisik tersebut hal yang paling fasih diutarakan seseorang jokes or no jokes. Atau mungkin cuma basa-basi karena kita ga tau lagi hal apa yang harus ditanyakan. Dunno, but I one of them yang juga menanyakan hal-hal tersebut hanya sebagai basa-basi because I am not a good talker. But to be honest asking someone physical appearance was the last thing I want to ask. I don't give a damn about how people look.

To answer people who ask, I guess, my mom passed her great gene so I'll stay slim no matter how much I eats. Problem is saya kalau makan memang banyak tapi sekali makan sedikit-sedikit dan sering dan saya ga punya kebiasaan mengemil atau makan makanan yang berminyak or things like chips. More over, I like to do physical things and walking to burn some fat.

While on the other hand my husband memang mewarisi bakat gemuk yang makan sedikit timbangan langsung naik dan susah turun. To be truth, he's been chubby since college so kalo ada yang tanya "laki lo gemuk banget sekarang" I wish to answer "emang sejak kapan dia kurus" seriously I don't give a damn about his weight. He's been changing the way he eat and less snack but nothing happen. Seriously I don't mind him the way he is right now and the funny thing is others mind.

Honestly, I wish people like to say more positive things or just remain in silence rather than asking other people weight.

.Cheers.