Why I Stop Shopping

I never really know if I like shopping or not. But I did know that once I had more than 20 pairs of shoes (high-heels/flats/wedges/sneakers) and countless bags and infinite amount of clothes (some are still have price tag hanging). And quite amount of money on my saving account because I like saving from when I was a elementary schooler. I had all of those when I was in high school and I have pocket money more than my average friends had. But then I went broke. That was when I was in college.

I struggle with money when I was in college. Did a lot of part time to have some spare money because money is tight and I no longer a trust fund kid (there's no such thing in my country but yes I spend my early year from my grandparents money but u know what I mean). So there's no longer activity that involves money in my part. I do still shop for necessity only and it's cheap clothes cheap bags cheap shoes something I can throw away easily if it's rotten. But sometimes I get a hand down branded clothes or bags or wallet from my other family which is great! I love expensive things... I mean who doesn't.

I didn't know when I found shopping is actually a wasting activity that leave me with nothing but exhausting feeling but I no longer enjoy shopping more over window shopping. But don't get me wrong I still go to a mall (even it's not too often) or sometimes a window shopping (more like a scanning shopping from outside the store to look something that might catch my eyes but mostly nothing attract me). And please separate shopping with groceries shopping, that one I love doing it.

At first I began feeling such a waste of money that I have clothes that was new (even still with the price tag) or clothes that only been wear one time or bags that some I rarely use it. That's when I started giving away clothes and bags and shoes. I no longer seeing the things that had brand in it or how beautiful it is, nope, I saw comfy only. So I went trough my closet and give away a lot of clothes that I don't feel 100% want to wear and leave clothes that I 100% will wear and that goes the same way to the bags and shoes. Untill today I've been doing a lot of sorting and able to reduce to 1/4 of what I used to have and still I feel my clothes and bags are still to much. And I am going to do another sorting out in this short haul. At first it wasn't easy to throw things out some are belong to my mom and some are things that I love but I keep telling myself that there's people out there that didn't even have decent clothes or bags or shoes and that it will be more usefull if it was wear by someone in need. And close my eyes.

Today I do shop but not for fashion but for necesity but not much and everytime I bought one or two clothes I made sure I give away one or two (the same amount) clothes/shoes/bags that I rarely wear. I once went with no shopping for more than 6 months. I sometimes envy with people that wear beautiful or up-to-date clothes/bags/shoes but that's only that because once I hit a store for shopping usually I leave with a headache. Something I am working on.

It's less than 2 weeks that ramadhan coming and I am going to do sorting out again! I saw on TV about "Outle Dhuafa" that sells clothes for free for people in need and they open for donations and that's are my clothes heading to. Just clothes. Because as per today my husband has more shoes than I am and my kid has more clothes than I am but I still have more bags (my mom bags mostly). So If you want to donate some please look on their instagram.

.cheers.

Crazy, Tired and Bored Stay-at-home Mom

I've been wanting to write for so long but the writer block and the kid yes were a major excuse for me for not being able to write. It's been 26 months being a stay-at-home mom plus 7 months a stay-at-home wife. That's A LOT. And this is just the time I have no idea what I have to do. I've been suffering from major boredom like literally I hate my life. It's nice to have a husband and a kiddo but sometimes I just wanna say "enuff is a enuff". The responsibility the never ending chores the demand the constant things just left me there in a corner of a dark room and cry.

I looooove my kiddo but being a parent is damn hard. I don't always get a me time which I should've known there's no such thing as me time when u have a kid. If you argue taking a shit uninterupted is a me time well there's your me time but to me NO that's not a me time that's me doing my humanly business. I tried so haard to be excited of the day but the truth I dread it. I don't know if you can but I can't spend my time from 7 am to 7 pm playing kiddie toy and talking baby words, it's boring. So sometimes I let the kid watch TV or DVD or play with my phone then you got to read on Facebook from parenting experts the negative effects of children that got to spend time watching tv and gadget. I mean wth! It makes me questioning myself, my ability as a parent.
Some of you probably have sitter or grandparents to play or care with your kid but me, I did it all. An adult once said to me to not let my kid watch tv but I know for sure that person never have a taste of being a stay-at-home mom and have to deal with kid all day. Ooo please never talk if u never in my shoes or offer any help.

Being a tired stay-at-home mom affects your interaction with your spouse. Well, in my case it is. My husband always away for works and everytime he went home he just want to relax and have couple quality time. Little did he know that kind of quality time is a rare thing. He, too was faced with kiddo demand of attention and it took a lot of his time and energy so by the end of the day we were both tired and the first thing in my was bed and sleep. We talked about this how we unconsciously missing our younger age where less responsibilities less chores and more less and less. But then we got to remind each other that this is the new us. The new me. The new you. As a parents. A mother. A father.

When crazy, tired and bored stay-at-home mom phase hit me I will likely remembering my young wild and free me (though the wild me only a couple of people I allowed them to see 😄).  With less responsibilities less chores less cooking less crying more money more fun more free life. Till today I am still juggling how to balance of me as a mother a wife a partner and as myself which never easy but I hope someday I found the right formula that work for everybody but most of all work for me.

.cheers.

P.s. Don't get me wrong I love you both hubs and kiddo to the moon.. I won't trade you for anything well maybe for ice cream. 😛

Disconnect to Reconnect

picture from here

 Coming from a big family that loooove to have gathering so much make me feel so much enjoyment, comfort and at ease even for someone introvert like me. I used to sulk if my dad decided to spend time at home only on Eid day instead of going house by house of my relatives. Growing up lacking of love always made me try to find love by having connection with people either family or friends. And I'll always be that kind of person that will make more effort to connect with someone till this day. But since 5 years ago, the moment where I actually accept myself and able to love myself, I become more selective on having a relationship with both family or friends.

For me, a relationship is a TWO WAY process. For both relationship with family or friends. A relationship require efforts from both sides. And I learned the hard way about one way relationship. So It's been years that I finally able to have a TWO WAY relationship and I intended to savor that relationship. I never cut-off a relationship but it just vanished the moment I no longer put effort to it. Does it hurt? Like hell. At first, I was appalled that the reason I lost a relationship are because of money, because of marriage, because of a man, because of a woman. But then I realized their worth of my time and no they are not worth it. So I just didn't have to put so much effort anymore. I no longer need pile of relationship just so that I am loved. And I am happy with that because I love myself more.

But this year I have a lot of talks with my husband and how his circle of relationship are much worse than me so we decided to RECONNECT with people. Both family and friends. To me, some are an unsolved case but most of all I want to reconnect because Allah SWT. Because what we called hablumminannas (human relationships with other humans). Through this reconnecting I hope to make more  A NEW BEGINNING and find a lot of closure that I might need and RE-START again.

  

.Cheers.

Sometimes I Just Want To Cry but Can Not

Ga bikin habit buat cerita kesusahan-kesusahan yang lagi di alamin kecuali ke suami sendiri.

Punya rumah sendiri artinya punya pe-er sendiri yang bikin kayaknya rumah ga ada abis-abisnya. Yang bocor lah yang kemaren listriknya koslet lah yang garasi musti diganti lah atapnya never-ending. Pengennya ya punya rumah yang kayak keluar langsung dari majalah apadaya rezekinya adanya yang begini. Alhamdulillah.

Permasalahan stay-at-home apalagi si klo ga cepet jenuh banget sama rutinitas dirumah. Even buat orang yang sukanya dirumah kayak saya. Rutinitas yang itu-itu aja plus pe-er rumah sama kenyataan yang ga sesuai itu bikin stress.

Makanya suka seneng banget klo suami ngajak jalan2 walaupun ujung2nya ga enak krn mau ga mau harus ngeluarin duit padahal kebutuhan masih banyak.

Kadang pengen marah si sama ada deeeh hahahha tapi ga akan mecahin masalah yang ada bikin tambah sakit hati. Belum lagi kalo ikut suami jalan-jalan tetep ada suara sumbang yang bilang "ngapain jalan2 terus jagain rumah donk" padahal yak yang suruh ikut suami gitu loh. Makin kesini makin diliatin kalo manusia itu ga ada puasnya. Apalagi soal materi. Walaupun nyatanya ga mudah tapi harus tetep bersyukur apapun itu.

Pengen kerja lagi pengen bisa punya uang sendiri bisa beli ini itu. Tapi kalo inget harus ninggalin anak kayaknya ga deh ya. Karena saya ngerasa saya cari uang bukan yang butuh banget tapi buat ada ajah. Ga worth it aja. Belum ribetnya nitipin anak dan harus jelasin ini itu kenapa kerja lagi.

Ntah lah lagi ada di posisi yg kurang enak buat lebih kuat. Mudah2an terus di beri kekuatan dan kesabaran dan rizki yang luar biasa.

.cheers.

Being Strong is The Only Way

Being strong is the only way for me TO SURVIVE.

Ditinggal mama diumur 14 tahun.
Ga punya figur perempuan dan laki-laki yang dekat di hati.
Bikin keputusan sendiri soal tinggal dimana masuk universitas apa masuk jurusan apa.
Hidup pas-pasan waktu kuliah demi bisa bebas merdeka.
Ketergantungan sama pacar.
Bikin banyak kesalahan karena semua keputusan atas dasar diri sendiri.
Ga bisa tanya ini itu soal pasangan hidup, jadi istri, membangun keluarga, punya anak.
Ga bisa mengeluh cape ngurus anak sama mama sendiri.
Ga bisa nitipin anak ke mama sendiri terus tetep kerja seperti yang lainnya.
Jadi stay-at-home mom yang kalo lagi jenuh rasanya luar biasa.
Terlalu super nge-handle semua pekerjaan rumah sampe angkat galon, maku dinding, ngurus ini itu yang harusnya yah jadi kerjaan laki-laki.
Harus mau ditinggal suami yang lebih seringnya di luar kota daripada di rumah.

Terus lagi harus denger ini itu dari orang yang ga pernah tau kehidupan lo itu rasanya pengen gw jitak.

Sometimes I hate my husband job that require him travelling more than at home.

Sometimes I hate the way my dad raised me to be able to do man's stuff. Even till this day. Beliau suka bilang "harus bisa. Ga boleh takut. Ga usah takut" wth!

Kadang mereka lupa saya perempuan yang pengen bisa manja-manja ke lelaki gitu loh. Makanya sueebelnya minta ampun liat perempuan yang dikit-dikit ngeluh muanja cantik. Kan ya masa setiap pekerjaan rumah yang harusnya dikerjain laki-laki baru bisa dikerjain kalo merekanya available. Bisa jamuran kalo gw.

Tapi gw sudah melewati masa-masa menyesal klo gw bikin banyak salah. Am only human afterall.

Tapi gw ga pernah menyesal atas pilihan2 hidup saat gw udah 'sadar'. Sedih kadang but am only human.

Be strong is the only way buat gw hidup dan bertahan hidup. Kalo ga gw udah dadah babay kali ya.

Tapi gw percaya being strong to survive with all the sacrifice that I've made in life cuma bisa dibayar sama Allah SWT.

Dan itu yang bikin gw tambah kuat.

.Cheers.

I Suffer Asthma

So I decide to share something about asthma. 

It's been my third severe asthma attack that I have... in between them was a smaller attack. This third time I'd like to share what I know about asthma. You can correct me if I am wrong. 

What is asthma?

According to Medical News Today Asthma is a disease affecting the airways that carry air to and from your lungs. People who suffer from this chronic condition (long-lasting or recurrent) are said to be asthmatic.

The inside walls of an asthmatic's airways are swollen or inflamed. This swelling or inflammation makes the airways extremely sensitive to irritations and increases your susceptibility to an allergic reaction.

As inflammation causes the airways to become narrower, less air can pass through them, both to and from the lungs. That basically cover it all. And oh it's incurable (!@#$^*)

How I can suffer asthma?

I dunno. Really I have no idea because I wasn't having asthma in my teenage years except when I accidentally drink artificial sweeteners but that wasn't severe. But I guess it was coming from either my mom side or my dad. I'll stick to my mom side because some of my family suffer from allergic. I am allergic to a lot of things. Nowadays it was cold, hot weather, dust, seafood, artificial sweeteners and, off course, bloody hell chocolate.

What makes you having asthma attack?

The mild one was random. The severe one was artificial sweeteners, chocolate and sickness like flu and cough with too much mucus.
According to my doctor this 5 could activate my asthma :
1. Skip meals. Honestly I rarely skip meals.. So teng!
2. Not enough sleep. Red alert!!! I do sometimes have sleep deprivation because I like to read at night for me time. This is probably the major reason I have my second and third asthma attack.
3. Low body immune. When you feel weak you just have to adjust your workload so that it won overburden your body. Hands up! I can never just chill when I feel unwell and there's tons of chores to do.
4. Stressed. Some people stressed out over big thing but some people stressed out over small thing. I didn't know which one is me. But you can improve this spiritually, share your problems, do your hobby or you name it. Mens sana in corpore sano end it all.

5. Rarely exercise. Ooooh this is so me. But this year resolutions is for me to exercise more, I tried to work out 3-4 times a week for 20 minutes just to maintain my health. I have no goals of making six pack. 

My doctor said allergen was no longer become the main factor as we never can avoid it. I mean who can avoid dust? However I'll write about allergic in another post.

How does it feel to have asthma attack?
Hell. Dyin for sure. Because you won't able to breath normally. Mine to the point that doing simple task as breathing, walking, standing, talking were a plain torture. Don't ask me how I carried my kid, it was a zone between conscious and passed out. 

Medication for asthma
Great body immune. Probably I have a weak a body immune. Dunno. 
And healthy lifestyle in which include what you eat and exercise. I have no problem with food because I didn't really like to eat greasy food. It was exercise which I loathe until a month ago when I start doing exercise. My doctor said to exercise only when you feel fit and have no symptoms of troubled breathing (like what I did yesterday in result doctor visit again). Breathing exercise routine is good to increase your health and lessen your asthma attack.

If you love medication as much as I do you probably need to ask your doctor but I get what you can see below. Also for this time I need to do nebulizer to lighten the mucus inside me as it was so thick.

I hope this help you aware of asthma. I went to Dr. Iwan Guntoro in BMC and I feel very satisfy with his explanation about asthma and he always encourage me to improve my body immune.

.Cheers.

A Life You (Might) Never Know

I wasn't someone coming from money although some of my family did have money more than I can produce. Today was another day that remind me to always be grateful. So we, my husband-me-and-my kid, are on our way to the Mckids so that our kid can have sometime to play with people his age. Halfway through the destination rain came down pouring with no inclination to stop. We decided to stop and wait for the rain to stop. Because no way we went through the rain as my kid recently having HFMD and I was just visit the doctor. We didn't want to take a risk of soaking in a cold heavy rain.

We took a shade in front of one of the shop and being hungry that we are. We decided to eat right there in the cold hard floor of a closed shop while ordering meatball soup. Some people that we know might take pity on us but to me this kind of hardship remind me to always grateful and humble. Never once in my life that I feel ashamed of what we've been through as a family. Problem is we never let people even our own family knows our hardship.

We as a human really want to give their best to our loved ones. Hence, me being a parents make me want to give my best to the kiddo. We able to provide a decent shelter that in the process put me in a lot of stress, you are lucky if your parents could provide you some financial assistance, but not me and my husband. We need to work our ass of and drain our entire saving to be able to buy our family a decent home. With me quit the job right at the moment I knew I was pregnant it brought us a new problem: how are we gonna survive with single income? We're hanging by a thin thread the moment we live by ourself but in return having a house giving you more freedom. Freedom to shape your own kid and your own family. And it didn't just stop there.

We have no car. If it's just me and my husband I really don't give a fuck to go to one destination to other by using my husband motorcycle. The 14-years-old motorcycle. That if you speed up through a bump one or another part of the motorcycle tore apart (you won't believe it but it's true). But that's the only transport we have. At first I'd had unshed tears everytime my kid was riding with us and there's just too much heat or (mostly) rain. And at night I'll cry myself while watching my kid for having to go through that condition but we as a parents have no choice. People could pity us or questioning us on why we couldn't afford a car. And that's the only thing they could do and sometimes I just wish they just shut up. You probably never know what it feel to not have an option. Truthfully we couldn't afford a car. And I didn't want we didn't have a car lead us to just stay at home. We've been through up and down in that motorcycle. We've had scattered our monthly groceries on the road because we didn't take into account how many groceries we're able to bring if we went on groceries. We've been through many cold heavy rain. We've been through the hottest weather. We've been through the happiest and saddest moment in that motorcycle with our kid sandwich between us. And in every trip we had I always pray that this struggle and sacrifice will make my kid grow in grateful and humble.

It has name. Thank you F  for accompanying us this whole time.

This might a little piece of struggle and sacrifice I want to share. Don't want your pity. Don't want anything in return because through this process I learn one thing: to never expect people acknowledgement just expect Allah SWT acknowledgement. But If you want to share yours maybe we can be a good friends. I love talking about what life give us.

picture from here

.Cheers.