Another Face of Life

Oh hai,

I know it still long way to go. Since my engagement and now am preparing for the wedding. To be honest, I don't feel something growing physically after I know that I am going married. Like I don't learn to cook or any kind you called it a wife stuff. Because I think it's not a prior, I can learn afterward and even more my fiancee cooks better than me. ^^V 

I must be lying if there's nothing happen. It is happen but more inside of me. I think to have an agreement within my self is more important. I mean heading to a new stage where I feel need a lot of effort and understanding I need to set up my heart. Determined my self. Truthfully, I've seen a lot of marriage and its problem-a long time marriage or even the new one. A heartbreaking problems.

I've seen a lot of women demanding their partner to understand them more. I've seen a lot of men showing their love which unmatched with their women and children. I've witness cheating. I've witness unfairness. I've witness happiness and sadness. I know nothing is perfect. But when you've seen all this kind of stuff. Falling in the same spot with them won't it become a waste of time in learning? 

Cheers,

Sofia

It is still April

Hi,

It's been a long time. Kangen. For Sure. 

I've dealing with my mental problem I mean my spiritual well it's not that I sick but I guess it's myself the one and only. I hafta manage my mood swing which is mean I want to shut down all my activity and find something more passionate and comfortable for me to do with in a long time.

Sorry for realizing once I am very happy I write less. Well, I am enjoying my life. And this is how it is.

Cheers,

Sofia

-f-

-f-

I forgot I supposed to live WITHOUT hesitation. 

For a moment I forgot to enjoy my life.

Happiness

Belakangan saya lagi sering ditanya, kamu bahagia?

Seringkali saya tertegun dan bingung, apa yang harus saya jawab. Lalu saya akan melontarkan pertanyaan "Kenapa bertanya hal seperti itu?" Orang itu lalu akan lebih bingung lagi mendengar jawaban saya dan dia mengomentari " Itu pertanyaan basic, ga susah, kenapa musti bingung"

Well mungkin buat sebagian orang ketika ditanya hidup bahagia atau tidak jawabannya akan mentok di- iya atau tidak. Tapi buat saya, saya menikmati hidup saya, saya menyukai hidup saya beserta dengan orang-orang di dalam hidup saya. Tapi kalau definisi itu adalah definisi bahagia  menurut orang kebanyakan berarti Ya. Saya Bahagia. Hidup memberikan saya banyak sekali pelajaran. Pelajaran yang seringkali saya dapat sendiri atau hasil refleksi diri dan perenungan yang panjang. Buat saya hidup itu berputar. Kadang kita bisa diatas kadang kita bisa dibawah. Begitupula halnya dengan kebahagiaan. Kita ga selalu dan melulu bahagia, kita juga ga selalu dan melulu sedih. Jadi yang disinetron itu pembodohan kalo ada orang yang hidupnya merana terus"an. Hidup juga mengajarkan saya ga berlebihan pada saat bahagia dan sedih. I mean, mengutip kata-kata @ditamaulani, kita punya hati yang automatis bisa nyembuhin diri sendiri. 

Buat saya, hidup sangat menyenangkan saat hal-hal menyenangkan dan hal-hal yang tidak menyenangkan terjadi karena memang itu yang terbaik buat saya. Kebahagiaan dan kesedihan semua dikasih oleh Allah SWT, kenapa kita harus lebih memilih kebahagiaan dan ga suka kesedihan. Saya percaya apapun yang terjadi di hidup saya pasti ada alasannya. 

Cheers,

Sofia

April Jjang!!

Hi, 

I know it's been a long time since the last time I write a post here. Such a roller coaster feeling in a month. And yeah I have a good news..mmm..you know...finally..mmm..I got engaged. To my almost-nine-years boyfriend.

So yeah this is a new ride with a new excitement. By mean time, I know I lost my mother but how my family, my future family, my fiancee, and my bestfriends show their love for me. I was touched. Deeply touched.

I don't know where life gonna take me from now on, but I guess I have to be ready, I am ready. Though I accept the fact but somehow my humane side wishing you are here to accompany me to through this passage. I should be happy that mom is already in her way-Insyallah-to heaven. Sometimes I keep being greedy to have her help me through my process of life. Oh God I need a hug.

So when I finally decided to get engaged? It's when I realize I'm more able to stand on my own now. I know that one by one and slowly that I hardly appear in my social life. I think in this case I am so much like my mom and dad. Building their own kingdom of happiness. Well, I do have a lot of friends but I choose only to be with the closest one where I feel so much comfortable. As I grow up, I think now I able to run my own decision so much better and I feel it's a good sign. Though my process of life still long and colorful but I am so much ready now. Here, I thank those people (family, my future family and bestfriends) for giving me so much love and accepting the real me but I also apologize for some that still can't figure my real color. I'm kinda uniqe. ^^V

I just figure it out that marriage is a massive things in our culture. I usually joke around telling them that I was born in England so that my 'adat' is Western style. Actually I'm not joking around. My dream was to have a Western style wedding where I don't have to invite a lot of people with very intimate atmosphere. I kinda bored with the color of Indonesian wedding so I really want to use a black 'kebaya', well my fiancee said OK but I don't think my surrounding will say OK. Hahhahha never mind now I accept it that wedding is about celebration and family but I would be lying if I am not sad, I do but that just my human side. I hope I can throw a private bachelor party with my bestfriends.

Mom, I know you are not here. I know we might not knowing each other well due to your limited time. But I am happy for you now, and grateful that you leave us first. I do. I love you. I'll see you soon.

Cheers,

Sofia

Dream?

What is my dream?

Well if u want to ask me this I really have no answer to it. Really I have no answer that I might be able to make it true.

Once when I was in my childhood my mom told me "Don't dream too much because when u can't reach you'll be disappointed"

Along with my evolution I often excuse "Mom, If i didn't dream I can't see the beauty of life" but I guess it's pretty much true. I dream a lot but none of it is really come true. If people had that aim of life or living in their dream. I don't have it. It stuck in my bone and never really show its looks. Only one moment could turn me upside down when I realize I can't dance. Ever since I never really in need to achieve my dream. Only that one moment that make me disappointed. Only after than I realize I hardly ever bury myself in deep disappointment. Don't look as if i don't feel disappointed. Yes I do but it just my human feel and it just a little. Afterward I keep dreaming and hardly ever really achieve one. MY dream. My joy and delight. It just a temporary desire outside but carved in my bone. Life is not always about reaching my dream but also what it supposed to be happen.

I got another acceptance letter from I.R.F.F.L.E Universite de Nantes. I craved to go but I just realize something no matter how I really want to go I just won't. No matter how sad I am I just have to let it go. Mastering another language is one of my dream but it's fine. I take this consequences and not gonna regret it.

Btw, I've applied to Interstudi and will take Export Import short course start next month. Hwaiting!

I may not have a lot of option to run my life but I know there still a lot of people out there that even have no option than just to run their life like it or not. and I still grateful for that.

Cheers,

Sofia

Saturated

There's always a time where I wanna be alone. Real alone.

So that I don't need to see people (who know me) around. I don't need to make fake smile in order they acknowledge me. Or I don't need to make conversation just to please the situation.

I want to see what I want to see. To feel without words. To talk on my own. I need to do what I want to do without feeling you (people around).

I wonder to sit alone at a wooden bench in an airport or a wide meadow without people looking at me and asking for talk. I imagine a wide range of view where I can breath without getting choked by smoke and walk in harmony within my heart and sleep in a deep thought.

I wish I could. I need to be alone. Just for a while.

Bisous,

Sofia