Me In Hijab

picture from here

After all the ups and downs. After all the silly questions to help me brace the decision. After a 3-long years I finally decided myself to wear a hijab. 

It's been years full of sign and my anxiousness of all the ridiculous fear but I am glad I was there in the end. If anything I would make a habit to wear a hijab as early as possible if I have a daughter. If anything I was mad to my parents that they did not teach me to wear one from the beginning. So that I have to have this struggle. So that I have to re-boot my mind of how I see beauty. Islam is a beauty and all the clause in it is beauty. So wear a hijab is a beauty.

"O you Children of Adam! We have bestowed on you raiment to cover your shame as well as to be an adornment to you. But the raiment of righteousness, that is the best. Such are among the Signs of Allah, that they may receive admonition.” (Quran 7:26)“

And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what must ordinarily appear therof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands, their fathers, their husbands' fathers, their sons, their husbands' sons, their brothers, or their brothers' sons or their sisters' sons, or their women or the servants whom their right hands possess, or male servants free of physical needs, or small children who have no sense of the shame of sex, and that they should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments. And O you Believers, turn you all together towards Allah, that you may attain Bliss.” (Quran 24:31).

“O Prophet, tell your wives and your daughters and the women of the believers to draw their cloaks close round them (when they go abroad). That will be better, so that they may be recognised and not annoyed. Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.” (Quran 33:59). (from here)

I am in no place to judge others so you don't have to make excuses in your heart to make what you did is okay (If you are not wearing a hijab). But I remember once I was ashamed and cried because I am Islam and still not wearing a hijab. Today I may not in a phase where I start wearing a long abaya but I start with lose clothes and I hope someday I will be there. I realized that still learning a lot of thing and I hope someday I will be a Muslim as a whole and die in Islam as a whole.

Do I Lose Myself in Motherhood?

Image

The answer is I don’t know. Maybe. I think many moms lose themselves in motherhood. Maybe I am one of them because I am slowly fading away from myself and my interest and my passion without even realizing that it is happening. I starting to realize just now but really maybe I am just a lazy person that use taking care of my kid as an excuse not to do more or at the end of the day it’s just exhausting to have what’s left of my energy to do what I like and opt for sleep, I don’t know. 

Motherhood is one long and tiring journey of changing diapers, feeding, and breastfeeding and on and on and on. I’ve just finished self-weaned my kid at 30 months and on the way to toilet training and separate sleeping. People would ask me why I haven’t toilet train my kid and the answer would be because I was lazy, I want the easy way of not having to wait my kid sit on the toilet or simply I don’t want to mop if he peed on the floor. Or why decide to separate sleeping so early because I want my bed back and my beauty sleep back. Motherhood means a lot of future homework. I overwhelmed.

When I was single or in my early years of marriage I used to love reading, listening music, writing my thoughts on my blog, writing poems and walking but simple things like that was a hard bargain to do anymore. Through the first and second years after my kid was born I was able to read books, lots of it, but in doing so I have to sacrifice my already limited-to sleep to nearly hanging by a thread. If I was reading a book I’d likely only sleep for 2 to 3 hours a day and it’ll run till the book finished and I have a habit to hardly put a book down once I read it. So they are days where I barely sleep and it affect my health, I was easily have asthma attack and skin allergic. Now, it’s been months since I enjoy reading. I’d like to write lots of things but in the end it’ll just end up in draft because I was suddenly blank or interrupted by the kid and those thoughts just fly by and never came back. And I haven’t walk in ages. 

Things I usually do slowly just nowhere in my agenda anymore. I love my kid and won’t trade anything with him but sometimes a really quality time with myself is just what I need. To me a mother is the world of the family and I believe a happy mother make a happy kid and husband thus a happy family. It’s important for a mother to be happy for what and where she is right now. 

Here’s ways I am gonna do to say Hi to myself again:

1.    Start to put myself in a daily and weekly agenda that will allow me to have some alone time

If I can make a daily time table for my kid to do surely I should be able to make one for me. Try to squeeze in an alone time for myself and make a quiet time for my kid so that he can play or read by himself. 

2.       Be Grateful

I gotta admit my level of gratefulness has been decreasing lately. Weak moments as I am overwhelmed by the task in my hands. Be happy with everything that I am today. 

3.      Start doing what I was doing when I was single like walking and swimming so I can think and clear my heads.

4.     Find new friends

To be honest I’ve been trying to do this but not always comfortable with the people I’ve met so far. But my aunt said to keep looking until you find the one you feel comfortable with. So that’s mean I have to keep looking. 

So Moms any of you have the same experience with me? I’d love to hear your stories. 


.cheers.