Dirty Thirties

As today I turn 30... Big THREE-FREAKIN-O

Fortunately I only have two people that remember my birthday: one of my brother (the other two will have a kick in their ass for not remembering mine) and one of my very best friend.

Today, I thought a lot of things. My hedonis kind of time... hahaha... I have that but not that hedonis. I miss that time... and that many many time that I spent in rooftop. I thought about a lot of things that I am not able to do or I choose not to do exactly. There's regret. But there's also realization because twas merely a dream and I live in real.

I've been dealing with the consequences of being a married woman, a wife and a mother. To the point that gave me headache. Meaning it's going to explode in my face soon. I give up a lot in this life in my life for people that mostly didn't appreciate me so it is my resolution to not give a damn fuck about other peoplw anymore. I want more me. The me that love me. I haven't been able to feel that for long.

So, me happy birthday mo chroi.

.Cheers.

When Life Hits You Hard

Kapan ya terakhir kali life hits me hard? Dulu mungkin sewaktu ibu saya pergi. Setelah itu memori yang saya punya hanya bertahan hidup, ga gila dan ga gantung diri sambil berusaha nemuin jati diri sendiri tanpa bantuan orang lain. Seringkali saya bersyukur bahwa saya ga gila, ga mati, ga nge-drugs dan ga rusak padahal saya punya hak buat jadi rusak. Bikin kesalahan? Buanyaaaak banget. Dari yang kecil sampe yang gede yang mayoritas orang lain ga tau how broken I am. Tapi semua itu ga bikin saya jadi lupa akar hidup saya. Agama. Walaupun banyak orang ga akan percaya tapi agama yang menyelamatkan saya dan ketakutan saya akan murka ayah saya.

Jadi jangan heran saya itu pemikir paraaaaah. Dari a sampe z dipikirin sampe keujung detil-detil kehidupan. Kehidupan orang lain buat saya ada lah pelajaran. Ambil yang baik dan ingat baik baik yang buruk supaya dikedepan hari saya ga gitu. Orang suka bilang saya stress tapi saya ga pernah ngerasa stress karena buat saya, berfikir adalah saya. Justru yang bikin stress saya bukan masalah saya sendiri atau orang lain justru karena orang. Interaksi sama orang yang sering bikin saya stress.

Karena manusia adalah makhluk paling sempurna oleh Sang Pencipta karena diberikan akal fikiran. Membuat saya seringkali berfikir sebelum melakukan sesuatu atau berbicara sesuatu. Termasuk memikirkan tentang apa yang telah terjadi di masa lalu, apa yang sedang dijalankan sekarang dan apa yang akan dilakukan nanti di masa depan.

.Cheers.

NOPE! Food Did Not Make Me Orgasm

A #foodgasm hashtag is a little bit out of my realm in which I find it ridiculous at that time.

Here I want to share some of the food I made or my husband made. They delicious but if you for once hoping to taste it then NO! I didn't confidence enough to let you taste it. I havea  particular taste that might different from yours. Enjoy.....

Pie Susu... me and me brudder fave :)

Tahu selawi... me mo chroi fave :*

me gettin' healthy life. beetroots and tomato and lime juice :)

me husband cooking. spaghetti with mushroom sauce and sautee bok choy and mushroom

klepon... for the kids snack

They did not make me orgasm. They either make me hungry or feel full.

.Cheers.

A Little Escape

Freedom. Twas what I crave right now. 

A free time to do what ever I want before I was a mother. A 'me time' they called. Twas hardly available for me. Don't get me wrong I have a lot of free time at day and night but I can't use it as free as I want. As a nerd as I am I crave writing and reading so bad. So bad that right now I leave my kid alone just to write. SO bad that my mind could explode and I went cray cray because I keep talking to myself instead of writing to clear my mind off. 

At day my kid won't allow me to touch my laptop or my phone. And I prefer to write with my laptop rather than my phone. So I spend a lot of my time entertaining an almost-two-years-old kid. And at night I manage to read couples of page of book on my kindle. But wait A COUPLE OF PAGES?? When am I gonna finish the book. Fortunately reading was the only thing that I still constantly able to do without so much distraction but sometimes it wasn't enough because reading was like stuffing my head with a lot of thing and writing was like stuffing out what inside my head. So now maybe I have to insist a little bit so that I can have time to write what my mind wants to.

I've just finished book called The Premonitions Series by Amy A. Bartol that consist five books.

I managed to finished it in one week. Yeah when I read book in series that might consist more than 2 or 3 books it took all my sleeping time so yes I am suffered with sleep deprivation as now I am writing. Not many knows or do I share what kind of books I like. Here, I like supernatural stuff but particularly angels and demons and beings with wings ha.ha.ha. I am an adult but prefer to read a YA books, yeah, because it's easy not requiring me to think. Come on I am a stay-at-home mom I need something light after the day I had. I,too, like romance and erotica genre to switch over if I was stuff with angel stuff. It's good you know to let my brain to let the steam off lol. Do you have books to recommend for me? I'd love to know and perhaps put it in my to-read list.

I missed the hard stuff you know, the classic, the poetry, the grown-up one but maybe I'll never finished reading it if I were to start it. Dunno, maybe someday. And I hope someday I could write such a book. In English off course because my bahasa is disaster. :)

.Cheers.

Lose Yourself

Ini bukan lagunya Justin Bieber yeessss... Itu mah love yourself ya walaupun isi liriknya ga ada hubungannya dengan gimana cara mencintai diri sendiri.

Dua bulan lagi krucil masuk 2 tahun dan selama itu pula saya menjadi seorang ibu. Mungkin pengalamannya belum ada apa-apanya dibanding ibu-ibu lain yang anak-anaknya sudah besar. Tapi selama 2 tahun itu juga bikin sadar banyak hal. Jadi ibu rumah tangga yang dirumah aja itu ga gampang, yang ga kerja dan klo mau duit harus minta ke suami, yang mau dandan aja bingung soalnya cuma ke dapur aja, yang kerjaannya pake daster  lusuh kucel dan dekumel, yang bosen ngurusinnya cuma cucian piring baju dan ketemunya sama kotak dinding-dinding kamar dan rumah sambil seharian dengerin bahasa bayi.

Tapi bener deh belakangan ini lagi ngerasa kehilangan jati diri. Sebenernya apa sih jati diri? Itu loh yang kerja, bisa haha hihi di kantor, bisa kesana kemari abis kerja, bisa hang out waktu weekend, bisa bangun siang tiap weekend, yang bisa beli dan pake baju bagus tas dan sepatu bermerek, yang badannya langsing ga pake gurat2 strechmark. I feel like I lose myself when I become a mom seringnya saat bosan melanda hal-hal seperti itu yang dikangenin. Kangen bisa wangi bisa cantik dan itu bikin self-esteem menjunjung tinggi. Kangen bisa nulis blog setiap hari, bisa baca buku nonstop kalo buat saya. Tapi bener ga sih itu jati diri saya? Nope. Hal-hal kayak gitu buah dari kejenuhan berkutat hanya dirumah saja yang akhirnya bikin saya mikir it wasn't something that I'll do again if I want to. Sesungguhnya jati diri saya dulu seorang single yang happy. Dan sesunggunya jati diri saya sekarang adalah seorang ibu. And it's human for me to want to a period of time when everything was all about me. All those sacrifice will paid off in its time. It was just me having a weak moment.

Terlalu mikirin pendapat orang juga ga bagus apalagi kalo orangnya cuma bisa ngomong doang.. hehhehe.. now I am better.

How about you?

.cheers.

Being a Wife and Mom

I came across this article of Willow Smith ask her mother Jada Pinkett Smith on how hard is it being a wife and mom and make me thinking what I find in my 4 years becoming a wife and almost 2 year becoming a mom. Her answers makes me realize what I've been through and what's coming through.

Since I haven't had a little girl to ask me those kind of question or maybe never since I prefer son than daughter I'd like to see how am I gonna answer that. So here we come.

How hard is it being a wife and mom?

Ain't easy for sure but since I was the type of person who like to analyze everything puts me in advantage what to expect on being a wife and a mom even before I am one. It was hard at first for everything, being a wife and a mom, I cried a lot because I feel like I am alone which is true. Even though I went through a 9-years relationship with my husband and quite a lot know him didn't mean it was easy. A key to succesfull relationship is a communication. At that time even though we communicate it was not a communication that have a good result in the end. And it just wrong, imo. But those rocky road was our way to a more good communication. It took us 2 years of marriage to the place we are now. I could talk everything to him without being afraid if I am gonna hurt him or if it will made him angry and vice versa. But life itself was a rocky trip there will always a bump here and there.

To be truth I still can't believe if I am a mother. Having a kid not really on my life agenda there I said it. Simply because I didn't trust myself to be able to become one. But now I am a mother of one that change everything. It is true that once you have a kid your world changing. Most of your vocal point is your kid. The first year was the hardest, I think, because they depend a lot on me. And I believe that the second year and the years after that require different challange which is usually not easy. But there's million of mother in the world that knew how I feel. And therefore it gave me strength that I know I can do this. Love you kiddo.

So, what do you think? How hard is it being a wife and a mom for you?

.cheers.