Relationship

Sulit sekali kah menunggu sekian detik supaya orang menyebrang dengan aman dan nyaman

Hal sekecil ini aja kadang sulit sekali buat orang

Mungkin... mungkin banyak empati yg terbunuh dari rumah... sehingga orang lebih banyak memikirkan dirinya sendiri lebih banyak dari orang lain. 

Fitrah anak baik tp banyak yg hilang diperjalanannya.  Rasa empati terbangun di rumah dari orang tua. Tp mungkin banyak orang tua yg tak sengaja membunuh empati itu

Udah kamu diem aja. Udah bukan urusan kamu. Kamu masih kecil ini urusan orang dewasa. Udah  dan udah yang lain.

Pengabaian. Makanya mungkin banyak anak yg abai dengan orang tuanya ketika mereka dewasa. Banyak hubungan saudara yg bernilai ketika baik² saja dan buyar ketika uang tak ada.

Blabbering Mess

Where there is a will there is a way

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Seringkali yang jadi penghambat memenuhi keinginan-keinginan kita adalah keinginan kita sendiri untuk ngelakuinnya. 

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Pengen jalan-jalan tapi duit ga ada tapi ga punya mobil terus bawa anak-anak lagi. Padahal jalan2 ga harus selalu ngeluarin duit, bisa sekedar duduk-duduk di taman atau piknik. Jalan-jalan ga harus pake mobil, banyak yang masih bisa jalan2 walau pakai motor atau pakai transportasi umum. Bawa anak2 dengan segala kerempongan bawaanya bukan penghalang, bawa diri yang udh tua aja bisa jadi rempong koq.

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Pengen bisa terus masak atau bikin-bikin makanan tapi capek. Hmm... Misi numpang tanya emang aktivitas apa yang engga bikin capek? Kebanyakan tidur aja bikin capek koq. Dari pada banyak tidur mending banyak gerak kan sekalian melunturkan lemak2 yang tak kunjung hilang. Fitrahnya manusia juga untuk bergerak kan.

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There will always a price to pay. Meaning mo ngapa2in itu perlu usaha ga ada yang cling (kedip mata) lalu terpenuhi segalanya. Yang udah kaya aja masih usaha apalagi yang kita yang biasa-biasa aja. Kalo udah jadi orang tua macam eike beranak dua, masih ada kepentingan anak2 diatas rasa lelah yang seringkali mudah hinggap. Ada kewajiban2 dan hak2 anak yang harus tetap dipenuhi selelah apapun diri. Semua mungkin koq selama benar2 dijalani.

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Cheers

Momster

Today I was one

I let my ego took the worst of me.

I yelled

I screamed

I smacked

I shook

I pointed

I spoke vile

I poured

You.

And I am sorry. I am ashamed. I failed you.

I dont know how much I broke you.

To pieces

How I destroy you

To dust

How I traumatized you

To me

Today I was a momster.

Something I never knew exist inside of me. Something I cried in regret

Something I knew I couldn't take back

Something I will remember forever for being a human mom. The worst one. 

When The Camellia Blooms

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During this pandemic, I started to watched Kdrama again. For a Kdrama, I prefer to watch a more adult male leading role. I re-watched Pasta, The Greatest Love, Oh My Venus. And begin to watched The Master's sun, A World of a Marriage, Terrius Behind Me as I like older namja (^_^) but then I try to watch a Kdrama with younger male leading role and so far I love Park Seo Joon in What's Wrong With Secretary Kim, Park Hyung Sik in Strong Woman Do Bong Soon and Kang Ha Neul in When The Camellia Bloom. You can tell what I prefer by looking at the drama that I've watched. But man I loveeee PHS for its bubbly and warm character and role but to be honest for story line When The Camellia Blooms won its first place. No wonder it got Daesang.

This Kdrama remind me about a lot of things especially about woman and to realize how strong one woman can be. Too many self reflect that I've been doing while I watched this drama. To realize how close I am to Dongbaek personality in terms of self esteem was a major blow. Growing up looking for love pretty much ruin my younger life to add with having no one to always cheers for you or simply put appreciate my hard work.

*continue* kid wake up from nap =)

Burnout

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These couple months save to say I've been experiencing motherhood burnout and it's brutal. I am faced with the reality of breaking out of my burnout situation is hard. No amount of watching Kdrama help me to get out of my bone-tired condition. I keep thinking and searching the reasons behind it. Or what trigger it. To admit that it is relate to my husband working from home is true but I don't think it is the main reason. As I was never one to peg of having wealth to the point of certain amount. I was mediocre to begin with so yeah...but one still able to dream.

I've been so detached to a lot of things especially my first born. Doing  house chores with zombie mode. A simple act could lead to a unreasonably yelling. Body always aching, my asthma often relapse than it's used to be and I keep forgetting to use my controller. I could go three days with less than 5 hours sleep double up with trying to take my mind of by watching Korean Drama. Most of all, I lost all motivation there to function everyday, to be present for my kids.

Breaking down the reasons behind my motherhood break out, the first reason might be that all these years I've been putting myself on the last option to give love at. I keep on giving love and myself to the kids, the husband, the marriage that I FORGOT to fill in my self. To reward myself with simple act of self-love: Self-care. Things can be done with million ways, a little more that usual screen time won't hurt, a less-healthy choice of food won't kill you. But understanding and doing it is one another problem. The feeling you have that when you let loose a little bit, that of you failed.

But maybe I choose the best timing to be UNGRATEFUL of life during this pandemic. Keep telling myself to be grateful to be healthy and alive is enough. But I don't know.... Still try to battling with this burnout. Hoping I could win this game of life. Wish me luck.

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Heavy Mind

It seems that everything that you do to understand one situation is never enough. One keep asking to be understood without understanding to others.

A Break

Maybe I need a break

Maybe I need a stop

or Maybe I dont need anything

But things for sure that my heart my mind and my soul are not in a great condition. Ga tau karena pandemi atau karena bottled up emotions yang jadi meleber kemana2 selama pandemi ini. Rasanya lelaaaah sekali. Rasanya apa yang selama ini dilakuin ga cukup baik. Ga cukup baik sampai2 mengorbankan diri sendiri. Many times I put myself last dan mentingin orang lain. To make sure the progress well. Tapi niat baik kita belum tentu selalu diterima dengan baik, bisa jadi malah jadi mengekang. Ini aku yang ga bersyukur atau memang ini jalan hidup yang dipilih buat aku. Apapun itu, I feel disconnected. With the world. With the environment. With the family. With my kids. With my husband. No matter how many kdrama I watched as a me time didnt even able to put me at ease.