When The Camellia Blooms

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During this pandemic, I started to watched Kdrama again. For a Kdrama, I prefer to watch a more adult male leading role. I re-watched Pasta, The Greatest Love, Oh My Venus. And begin to watched The Master's sun, A World of a Marriage, Terrius Behind Me as I like older namja (^_^) but then I try to watch a Kdrama with younger male leading role and so far I love Park Seo Joon in What's Wrong With Secretary Kim, Park Hyung Sik in Strong Woman Do Bong Soon and Kang Ha Neul in When The Camellia Bloom. You can tell what I prefer by looking at the drama that I've watched. But man I loveeee PHS for its bubbly and warm character and role but to be honest for story line When The Camellia Blooms won its first place. No wonder it got Daesang.

This Kdrama remind me about a lot of things especially about woman and to realize how strong one woman can be. Too many self reflect that I've been doing while I watched this drama. To realize how close I am to Dongbaek personality in terms of self esteem was a major blow. Growing up looking for love pretty much ruin my younger life to add with having no one to always cheers for you or simply put appreciate my hard work.

*continue* kid wake up from nap =)

Burnout

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These couple months save to say I've been experiencing motherhood burnout and it's brutal. I am faced with the reality of breaking out of my burnout situation is hard. No amount of watching Kdrama help me to get out of my bone-tired condition. I keep thinking and searching the reasons behind it. Or what trigger it. To admit that it is relate to my husband working from home is true but I don't think it is the main reason. As I was never one to peg of having wealth to the point of certain amount. I was mediocre to begin with so yeah...but one still able to dream.

I've been so detached to a lot of things especially my first born. Doing  house chores with zombie mode. A simple act could lead to a unreasonably yelling. Body always aching, my asthma often relapse than it's used to be and I keep forgetting to use my controller. I could go three days with less than 5 hours sleep double up with trying to take my mind of by watching Korean Drama. Most of all, I lost all motivation there to function everyday, to be present for my kids.

Breaking down the reasons behind my motherhood break out, the first reason might be that all these years I've been putting myself on the last option to give love at. I keep on giving love and myself to the kids, the husband, the marriage that I FORGOT to fill in my self. To reward myself with simple act of self-love: Self-care. Things can be done with million ways, a little more that usual screen time won't hurt, a less-healthy choice of food won't kill you. But understanding and doing it is one another problem. The feeling you have that when you let loose a little bit, that of you failed.

But maybe I choose the best timing to be UNGRATEFUL of life during this pandemic. Keep telling myself to be grateful to be healthy and alive is enough. But I don't know.... Still try to battling with this burnout. Hoping I could win this game of life. Wish me luck.

.Cheers.

Heavy Mind

It seems that everything that you do to understand one situation is never enough. One keep asking to be understood without understanding to others.

A Break

Maybe I need a break

Maybe I need a stop

or Maybe I dont need anything

But things for sure that my heart my mind and my soul are not in a great condition. Ga tau karena pandemi atau karena bottled up emotions yang jadi meleber kemana2 selama pandemi ini. Rasanya lelaaaah sekali. Rasanya apa yang selama ini dilakuin ga cukup baik. Ga cukup baik sampai2 mengorbankan diri sendiri. Many times I put myself last dan mentingin orang lain. To make sure the progress well. Tapi niat baik kita belum tentu selalu diterima dengan baik, bisa jadi malah jadi mengekang. Ini aku yang ga bersyukur atau memang ini jalan hidup yang dipilih buat aku. Apapun itu, I feel disconnected. With the world. With the environment. With the family. With my kids. With my husband. No matter how many kdrama I watched as a me time didnt even able to put me at ease.

Sudah bersyukur hari ini?

Begitu mudahnya kita untuk tidak bersyukur.

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Masalah rumah itu sampe sekarang jd masalah yang masih sulit buat diterima. Karena kadang ikhlas kadang keheuuul. Belum ditambah kena ratjun home decor home decor ituh, pengen rumah secantik dan seindah feed instagram. Tapi pas perjalanan renov itu banyak banget yang engga sesuai harapan. Banyak uang yang terbuang percuma. Engga percuma juga sih, itu uang belajar. Sampe dititik uring2an banget liat rumah apalagi ngeliat yang ngerjain. Kalo dr ubun-ubun bisa keluar api udah keluar kali. 

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Tp di akhir perjalanan renov itu banyak pelajaran yang didapet terutama rasa bersyukur. Bersyukur dikasih rasa2 tidak nyaman dengan keadaan. Bersyukur diberi penjagaan lewat ketidaksempurnaan hasil.  Karena mungkin bisa jadi sombong. Bisa jadi riya'. Bisa jadi tambah ga bersyukur. Sampe sekarang masih terus berusaha berdamai. Berdamai dengan keadaan. Berdamai dengan proses. Berdamai dengan hasil. Dan berdamai dengan cara pandang dan lisan orang. 

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Rumah nabi itu jadi pengingat paling jitu sih. Kekasih Allah aja rumahnya sederhana sekali. Jadi tiap mau ngeluh kalo rumah lagi bocor atau gimana gimana ku ingat itu saja. Supaya selalu inget buat bersyukur. Supaya selalu inget untuk berserah Paringono sabar ya Allah...

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#mamakjourney #mamaksharing #sharingiscaring #renovationjourney

#renovgakelarkelar

POV

Point of view.

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Merenungi hati yang kuminta kian hari kian besar. Penuh ladang sabar yang kiranya saatku butuh tinggal kupetik. Jauh rasa iri walau ingin. Hanya harap bukan kata yang terulang-ulang. Hingga hati sesak, telinga berasa pengang dan mulut berucap. 

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#mamaknyalem

Motherhood Dare

Di saat semua orang posting tentang Motherhood dare beserta tag teman-temannya. Disitu seringkali berasa kesepian. Hanya karena ga kayak orang-orang. Atau karena merasa ga punya teman banyak. Tapi sebenernya kalo ditanya deep down gimana. Well let me just answer it: it's just not my cup of tea. Bukan begitu interaksi sama teman-teman kyu~~~. And I am fine with it. Kalo boleh jujur, waktu dengan teman-teman rasanya udah puas pas kuliah dulu. Bandel-bandelnya udah dulu. Bukan juga yang suka curhat-curhat ntah kenapa problem di diri dan di kehidupan selalu merasa ga sreg kalo harus curhat sm sesama manusia. Tapi bener deh memilih menjadi berbeda itu pilihan yang konsekuensinya juga harus sanggup dihadapi. Salah satunya merasa berbeda dengan kebanyakan. Cheers