Being Strong is The Only Way

Being strong is the only way for me TO SURVIVE.

Ditinggal mama diumur 14 tahun.
Ga punya figur perempuan dan laki-laki yang dekat di hati.
Bikin keputusan sendiri soal tinggal dimana masuk universitas apa masuk jurusan apa.
Hidup pas-pasan waktu kuliah demi bisa bebas merdeka.
Ketergantungan sama pacar.
Bikin banyak kesalahan karena semua keputusan atas dasar diri sendiri.
Ga bisa tanya ini itu soal pasangan hidup, jadi istri, membangun keluarga, punya anak.
Ga bisa mengeluh cape ngurus anak sama mama sendiri.
Ga bisa nitipin anak ke mama sendiri terus tetep kerja seperti yang lainnya.
Jadi stay-at-home mom yang kalo lagi jenuh rasanya luar biasa.
Terlalu super nge-handle semua pekerjaan rumah sampe angkat galon, maku dinding, ngurus ini itu yang harusnya yah jadi kerjaan laki-laki.
Harus mau ditinggal suami yang lebih seringnya di luar kota daripada di rumah.

Terus lagi harus denger ini itu dari orang yang ga pernah tau kehidupan lo itu rasanya pengen gw jitak.

Sometimes I hate my husband job that require him travelling more than at home.

Sometimes I hate the way my dad raised me to be able to do man's stuff. Even till this day. Beliau suka bilang "harus bisa. Ga boleh takut. Ga usah takut" wth!

Kadang mereka lupa saya perempuan yang pengen bisa manja-manja ke lelaki gitu loh. Makanya sueebelnya minta ampun liat perempuan yang dikit-dikit ngeluh muanja cantik. Kan ya masa setiap pekerjaan rumah yang harusnya dikerjain laki-laki baru bisa dikerjain kalo merekanya available. Bisa jamuran kalo gw.

Tapi gw sudah melewati masa-masa menyesal klo gw bikin banyak salah. Am only human afterall.

Tapi gw ga pernah menyesal atas pilihan2 hidup saat gw udah 'sadar'. Sedih kadang but am only human.

Be strong is the only way buat gw hidup dan bertahan hidup. Kalo ga gw udah dadah babay kali ya.

Tapi gw percaya being strong to survive with all the sacrifice that I've made in life cuma bisa dibayar sama Allah SWT.

Dan itu yang bikin gw tambah kuat.

.Cheers.

I Suffer Asthma

So I decide to share something about asthma. 

It's been my third severe asthma attack that I have... in between them was a smaller attack. This third time I'd like to share what I know about asthma. You can correct me if I am wrong. 

What is asthma?

According to Medical News Today Asthma is a disease affecting the airways that carry air to and from your lungs. People who suffer from this chronic condition (long-lasting or recurrent) are said to be asthmatic.

The inside walls of an asthmatic's airways are swollen or inflamed. This swelling or inflammation makes the airways extremely sensitive to irritations and increases your susceptibility to an allergic reaction.

As inflammation causes the airways to become narrower, less air can pass through them, both to and from the lungs. That basically cover it all. And oh it's incurable (!@#$^*)

How I can suffer asthma?

I dunno. Really I have no idea because I wasn't having asthma in my teenage years except when I accidentally drink artificial sweeteners but that wasn't severe. But I guess it was coming from either my mom side or my dad. I'll stick to my mom side because some of my family suffer from allergic. I am allergic to a lot of things. Nowadays it was cold, hot weather, dust, seafood, artificial sweeteners and, off course, bloody hell chocolate.

What makes you having asthma attack?

The mild one was random. The severe one was artificial sweeteners, chocolate and sickness like flu and cough with too much mucus.
According to my doctor this 5 could activate my asthma :
1. Skip meals. Honestly I rarely skip meals.. So teng!
2. Not enough sleep. Red alert!!! I do sometimes have sleep deprivation because I like to read at night for me time. This is probably the major reason I have my second and third asthma attack.
3. Low body immune. When you feel weak you just have to adjust your workload so that it won overburden your body. Hands up! I can never just chill when I feel unwell and there's tons of chores to do.
4. Stressed. Some people stressed out over big thing but some people stressed out over small thing. I didn't know which one is me. But you can improve this spiritually, share your problems, do your hobby or you name it. Mens sana in corpore sano end it all.

5. Rarely exercise. Ooooh this is so me. But this year resolutions is for me to exercise more, I tried to work out 3-4 times a week for 20 minutes just to maintain my health. I have no goals of making six pack. 

My doctor said allergen was no longer become the main factor as we never can avoid it. I mean who can avoid dust? However I'll write about allergic in another post.

How does it feel to have asthma attack?
Hell. Dyin for sure. Because you won't able to breath normally. Mine to the point that doing simple task as breathing, walking, standing, talking were a plain torture. Don't ask me how I carried my kid, it was a zone between conscious and passed out. 

Medication for asthma
Great body immune. Probably I have a weak a body immune. Dunno. 
And healthy lifestyle in which include what you eat and exercise. I have no problem with food because I didn't really like to eat greasy food. It was exercise which I loathe until a month ago when I start doing exercise. My doctor said to exercise only when you feel fit and have no symptoms of troubled breathing (like what I did yesterday in result doctor visit again). Breathing exercise routine is good to increase your health and lessen your asthma attack.

If you love medication as much as I do you probably need to ask your doctor but I get what you can see below. Also for this time I need to do nebulizer to lighten the mucus inside me as it was so thick.

I hope this help you aware of asthma. I went to Dr. Iwan Guntoro in BMC and I feel very satisfy with his explanation about asthma and he always encourage me to improve my body immune.

.Cheers.

A Life You (Might) Never Know

I wasn't someone coming from money although some of my family did have money more than I can produce. Today was another day that remind me to always be grateful. So we, my husband-me-and-my kid, are on our way to the Mckids so that our kid can have sometime to play with people his age. Halfway through the destination rain came down pouring with no inclination to stop. We decided to stop and wait for the rain to stop. Because no way we went through the rain as my kid recently having HFMD and I was just visit the doctor. We didn't want to take a risk of soaking in a cold heavy rain.

We took a shade in front of one of the shop and being hungry that we are. We decided to eat right there in the cold hard floor of a closed shop while ordering meatball soup. Some people that we know might take pity on us but to me this kind of hardship remind me to always grateful and humble. Never once in my life that I feel ashamed of what we've been through as a family. Problem is we never let people even our own family knows our hardship.

We as a human really want to give their best to our loved ones. Hence, me being a parents make me want to give my best to the kiddo. We able to provide a decent shelter that in the process put me in a lot of stress, you are lucky if your parents could provide you some financial assistance, but not me and my husband. We need to work our ass of and drain our entire saving to be able to buy our family a decent home. With me quit the job right at the moment I knew I was pregnant it brought us a new problem: how are we gonna survive with single income? We're hanging by a thin thread the moment we live by ourself but in return having a house giving you more freedom. Freedom to shape your own kid and your own family. And it didn't just stop there.

We have no car. If it's just me and my husband I really don't give a fuck to go to one destination to other by using my husband motorcycle. The 14-years-old motorcycle. That if you speed up through a bump one or another part of the motorcycle tore apart (you won't believe it but it's true). But that's the only transport we have. At first I'd had unshed tears everytime my kid was riding with us and there's just too much heat or (mostly) rain. And at night I'll cry myself while watching my kid for having to go through that condition but we as a parents have no choice. People could pity us or questioning us on why we couldn't afford a car. And that's the only thing they could do and sometimes I just wish they just shut up. You probably never know what it feel to not have an option. Truthfully we couldn't afford a car. And I didn't want we didn't have a car lead us to just stay at home. We've been through up and down in that motorcycle. We've had scattered our monthly groceries on the road because we didn't take into account how many groceries we're able to bring if we went on groceries. We've been through many cold heavy rain. We've been through the hottest weather. We've been through the happiest and saddest moment in that motorcycle with our kid sandwich between us. And in every trip we had I always pray that this struggle and sacrifice will make my kid grow in grateful and humble.

It has name. Thank you F  for accompanying us this whole time.

This might a little piece of struggle and sacrifice I want to share. Don't want your pity. Don't want anything in return because through this process I learn one thing: to never expect people acknowledgement just expect Allah SWT acknowledgement. But If you want to share yours maybe we can be a good friends. I love talking about what life give us.

picture from here

.Cheers.